Sugar rush for meathead Dan
OUR screens were awash with prize chumps, deluded twits and schoolboy errors again last week.
And as well as the Tory conference, The Apprentice was back. Hurrah!
We never tire of watching big-headed berks crash and burn in the BBC boardroom. Yet bizarrely, the contestants never seem to have watched the show before. They make the same clueless cock-ups every year.
For example, when flogging burgers to the public, it doesn’t take a business Brainiac to realise that you should set up before dinnertime, in a busy location, and knock ’em out at a competitive price. Yet Danny Grant led men’s team Vitality to a £114 loss.
Likeable Danny bravely/dumbly volunteered to be project manager but was never on top of the task. Pricing was not his business.
He plucked numbers from the air. He was talked into setting up his stall in a deserted Brixton backwater. The team started late... They’d have shifted more meat at a vegan rally.
Danny’s biggest mistake was making Charles his sub-team leader – the mutinous dog ignored instructions and seemed to be running on Brexit time. Any slower and he’d have gone into reverse. Danny also took Elliott the barrister into the board room. Great call, mate. Barristers are notoriously tongue-tied.
Danny went and Charles survived by the seat of his pants to fail another day. Good! The real appeal of Sugar’s show is hubris and humiliation, not business acumen.
Which doesn’t auger well for Jeff, who promised to throw people under buses, over buses, and then to drive the bus...well it’ll make a change from leaving in a taxi.
Harrison is so full of himself I’m rooting for him to make the interviews, just to see him torn apart by Sugar’s jackals. The women called themselves Graphene, a substance as hard and slight as Claude Littner’s heart.
Siobhan makes Middle East despots seem easy-going. Scary Liz is a proper clock-stopper. While Michaela is smarter than she looks, but appears to be wearing Deirdre Barlow’s glasses.
Her lenses are so strong she can probably watch the ISS in orbit. (Half the candidates wear bins – it’s like watching outtakes from a SpecSavers ad.)
The 17 remaining contestants aren’t “Britain’s brightest business brains” – they’re a motley crew of PR twerps, florists and wannabes.
Most of them couldn’t be trusted to sell bikinis in Barbados.
That’s why we love it. ALEXANDRA Burke, Strictly... Star Trek: Discovery (Netflix)...Curb Your Enthusiasm (SkyAt). RICHARD Coles, Strictly – he looks creepier than a Halloween party on a ghost train...Russell Howard – a bigger arse than Davina’s...Bobby Davro: In Therapy – stick to In Performance, mate. HAVE you seen Escape to the Chateau with Dick Strawbridge? He looks like he’s turning into his own gargoyle.