What a bunch of siimpletons
PAUL Hollywood was talking about a Rum Nicky dessert on Bake Off when he said:
IS this the dumbest ever line-up of The Apprentice?
Some of Lord Sugar’s business wannabes would have trouble running a boot sale in Braintree.
The robots they were supposed to be selling would have made a better fist of flogging the humans.
It started badly for the blokes when Sugar put Michaela in charge – although, looking back, that was Team Vitality’s high point.
They aimed at the over-60s, creating Jeffrii, a robot that specialised in yoga, recipes and reminders to take your pills.
But Michaela changed its name to SiiMON without bothering to tell the sub-team who were programming it. Consequently, it introduced itself as Jeffrii at a sales pitch in front of a promo board headlined SiiMON.
Oh shiit. “His name is SiiMON, okay,” smarmy barrister Elliot insisted. “But his family name is Jeffrii.”
They might have got away with it too if their slogan had read “Your helping hand for life” instead of “You’re”. Michaela spent so long faffing around with colours they hadn’t had time to check for spelling mistakes.
Women’s team Graphene are just as useless. They bicker constantly, especially Elizabeth and Siobhan, who make Email me at: garry.bushell@ dailystar.co.uk or write c/o Daily Star Sunday,
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EC3R 6EN Itchy and Scratchy look like Chris and Kem.
Edna Mode lookalike Elizabeth is annoying, but Siobhan would give an aspirin a migraine.
“Like a drill going through my temples,” said Sarah-Jayne.
The very sight of her would have inspired Robby the Robot from Lost In Space to burst into repeated warnings of: “Danger, Will Robinson!”
Their machine, blandly dubbed eBot, fell over demonstrating karate to John Lewis buyers which, as Siobhan would say, must have surely “underminded” their pitch.
Elizabeth suggested they order 1,000 of them. Asked why, she replied: “It’s just a nice round number.”
And they have the cheek to call robots artificial intelligence…
The men should have walked this task. Instead they sank like a stone. Incredibly, Sugar fired Elliot instead of Michaela.
She’s a bigger character, you see, and The Apprentice these days is Big Brother in suits, powered by cock-ups, cretins and confrontation.
Wouldn’t you like to see a series that pitched economics graduates against a team of backstreet market traders?
Now that would have real competitive edge. BAD Habits, Holy Orders saw five sexy but shallow young women sent to a Norfolk convent.
Rebecca, 19, confessed she’d never counted the number of boys she has slept with, suggesting she’s either really promiscuous or very bad at maths.
Mostly the girls were into booze, bonking and selfies. Well, it’s nice to have hobbies. The nuns greeted Gomorrah’s advance party with kindness and tolerance. “Perhaps we’ve lost our moral compass,” reflected one of the Daughters of Divine Charity accurately. The rules were a real culture shock for the party girls.
“F**k. No swearing,” said Page. “That’s me f**ked.” But apart from smuggling in contraband vodka, they treated their hosts with respect and may end up concluding there’s more to life than hangovers and loveless sex with strangers. SHAME the sisters didn’t get to swop lifestyles too. We’ll never find out if the old saying is true: Nuns do it out of habit. CHRIS Packham, right: Asperger’s & Me...Lara Pulver, Electric Dreams...James Franco, The Deuce (SkyAt). LIAR finale, left – pants, no fire... Russell Jones, X Factor – went for quirky, looked berky…tedious Nish Kumar. EAT Well For Less – TV’s most patronising show, it’s basically how to shop for dummies. Dithering Louis Walsh. Eight flaming hours of the Six Chair Challenge over two weekends. Matt Lucas sleepwalking his way through Travel Man. Porridge – thin gruel.
‘I came across this particular tart about 3 years ago’
I’M warming to Susan Calman. She and Strictly’s head judge really complement each other. One’s a Ballas, the other’s the ballast. CANDY’S fattest client on The Deuce died after she had pleasured him. In a neat touch he came and went simultaneously.