Date MP’s a wasted vote
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WHY did Tory MP Michael Fabricant go on First Dates: Celebrity Special? There’s more chance of getting inappropriately fondled in the Commons these days than on a TV dating show.
It was just Fabricant’s luck that he was shown talking about romancing Parliamentary secretaries in the middle of the latest hysteria.
Maybe they filmed it a while ago – possibly 2011, as they had Sinitta down as 48 and right now she’s 54. Not like her to fib about her age...
Is Fabricant even a celebrity? Maybe the bookers got him mixed up with Worzel Gummidge.
People apparently mistake him for Boris Johnson all the time, which is ridiculous. He looks much more like BoJo’s dad Stanley.
JOEY on regular First Dates met date Jodie on the train the night before. “She got a six-inch,” he revealed. He meant a Subway sandwich, but you never know.
Waitress CiCi hoped she’d get “something more substantial”. Either she meant for dinner, or the woman has been spoiled.
HANNAH revealed she was once offered 2,000 euros for “small sex” in Spain. Not sure what that is, but it looks like Robbie Jackson is on course to find out. RICHARD Boxall was talking about a bunker during Sky’s golf coverage when he said: L.Dives of East London wins £35 for that howler. Keep ’em coming to the address at the top of the page. ROSS Kemp really blended in at HMP Barlinnie. Big, bald, grim…he looked like the con you have to service to get an extra bog roll.
IT costs £36,000 to keep a child molester behind bars. How much is a length of rope?
So it’s surprising that the one thing that proved too much for him was…University Challenge.
“I’m not watching this ever again,” the former Oasis star told Celebrity Googlebox. “It’s stressed me right out.”
Ozzy Osbourne was stumped too. “I don’t understand the questions, I don’t understand the answers and I don’t understand why this thing is still on the f***ing TV,” the rock god moaned.
Big names joining the regulars included Ed Sheeran, filth-hound Freddie Flintoff, Jamie Redknapp, and, um, “Jeremy in Edinburgh” who struggled to open a bag of Celebrations and proved to be reliably dull.
Watching Nigella was the only thing that got the Labour leader animated. The show inspired him to give Jessica Hynes his recipe for coddled eggs, whether she wanted it or not.
Grime MC Big Narstie hadn’t even heard of Nigella, and seemed unaware of Strictly’s all-conquering success. But at least he didn’t mistake Iggy Pop for the Clash like Ed did.
Everyone loved Blue Planet II. Flintoff likened a large lipped bass to Donatella Versace, while Liam accurately summed up a sex-changing kobudai fish as “mad sh*t”. We waited in vain for their verdicts on the week’s other big TV talking points, like: how come Lauren’s wedding dress fitted Abi like a glove on EastEnders? Why didn’t Phil spend Halloween as Uncle Fester?
And what’s the deal with Robert’s barnet on Corrie? He obviously hasn’t got anyone to “bank” his Just For Men supply. (We learned about banking – smuggling things into prison internally – on Ross Kemp Behind Bars, where banked items included deadly blades. Bankers cough at their peril.)
The heart-breaking charity special swerved these choice topics to cover Michael Gove’s “controversial” weekold WHAT is it about Nigella Lawson and her tasty if shrinking puddings that male viewers find so moreish? It’s hard to believe she eats what she cooks – that figure doesn’t suggest a diet of shoestring fries and emergency brownies. Her kitchen is full of things you’ve never seen – purple potatoes, anyone? Or used – ramekins, spiralizers... She has a whole shelf devoted to obscure chillies. Nigella’s chat is oddly stilted. Her measurements are imprecise – “a splash” of dry Weinstein joke. Corbyn’s views weren’t sought on that, or Westminster’s lame sex scandal. TV prefers to portray Jezza as a benign uncle.
I’d have asked his opinion of Pat Phelan’s executions just to hear him condemn “all sides”. Natch, there was no Jacob in Somerset for balance.
As it was, Dave the “knobhead” dog got the night’s biggest laughs.
JO Brand claimed on Have I Got News For You that women are “constantly terrorised” by sex-mad blokes. Yeah? I bet she isn’t.
CLAUDIA saved Strictly a few bob on their Halloween show. No extra makeup required.
‘Nearly everybody who goes in the Parson’s Nose gets a bogey’