Kez turns into Crab C Nesbitt
NIGELLA was talking about making waffles when she said: A.Wightman of Newport wins £35 for that howler. Keep ’em coming to the address at the top of the page. IF you thought your sex life was grim, pity Henry VII on The White Princess.
Elizabeth of York lifted her skirts and told her husband: “Let’s get it over then…have you finished? I barely even noticed.”
Henry replied: “I thought about your sister. It made it quick.” STANLEY Johnson. Dec’s Dennis Wise cracks. Mollie King on a trapeze. Sugar’s triple Apprentice sacking. Peter Sellers: The Interviews. Gregory Porter’s Popular Voices. Another Audience with Ken Dodd. Johnny Cash on the Peaky Blinders soundtrack.
QUESTION from Howards End’s Margaret: “Do you think personal relationships lead to sloppiness in the end?” Answer: Yes, if you play your cards right.
MOST of the Murder On The Blackpool Express cast were done in with a blunt instrument – the script.
SOMEONE just asked me: “Did you see that Moose on EastEnders?” Shocking. There’s no need to talk about Shirley Carter like that.
SCOTTISH Labour politician Kezia Dugdale found her path to victory blocked by a fearsome crab on I’m A Celebrity.
It was like coming up against Nicola Sturgeon all over again.
You feel a little sorry for ITV. A few weeks down the line, they might have booked Kevin Spacey, Priti Patel or Harvey Weinstein. (Mugabe’s hanging on for Dancing on Ice...)
Instead we’re lumbered with the least recognisable line-up in the show’s 15-year history.
Half the cast are unknown to most viewers. There’s a politician’s dad, a footballer’s wife, some posh reality TV blonde, an unfunny comedian and a short-lived YouTuber.
So far there have been no rows, and not a flicker of sexual chemistry.
Stanley Johnson was talking about a meal ticket when he announced: “Shappi tried to give me one last night.”
A shame, because the alternative interpretation would have livened things up no end.
Hopes that more genuinely famous folk would wash up in the show’s second wave were dashed by the arrival of obscure MSP Kez and radio smartarse Iain Lee.
But at least the non-celebs are getting stuck in. Especially Georgia “Toff ” Toffolo from Made in Chelsea, whose post-trial twitching had me in stitches. Email me at: garry.bushell@ dailystar.co.uk or write c/o Daily Star Sunday,
10 Lower Thames Street, London
EC3R 6EN The poor woman was shaking like an Albanian washing machine.
She’s a game bird, chomping on beach worms and noshing a bull’s dong in the Bushtucker Trial. “You’ve had worse than that in your mouth,” said Rebekah Vardy. “Coz I definitely have.” (There’s an image to savour).
Ant & Dec urged Toff on, bizarrely saying, “Think of the boys!” Think of the boys while scoffing bovine pizzle? Blimey. Maybe there’s more to Dennis Wise than meets the eye.
At least Amir Khan was talking about a python when he said: “I grabbed hold of it and pulled it out.”
While plucky Toff was in a coffin being chomped on by creepy crawlies, Amir drowned out her girly screams with one of his own. It could have been worse – he could’ve fought Pacquiao.
Stanley is an amiable cove, smart and personable. He might even win.
He gets on with everyone, even vlogger Jack Maynard, who was ridiculously forced to quit the show over historic “thought crimes”.
Were his po-faced accusers never teenagers? Did they never make mistakes? What a depressing, craven, PC-obsessed damp dish-rag of a country we are becoming.
WHO said: “I can’t believe I ate a dick and an arsehole”? Was it a) Hannibal Lecter b) Gregg Wallace in a feeding frenzy or c) Toff after her trial? JOHN Shelby’s murder only hardened the resolve of the remaining Peaky Blinders.
The Brummie villains are facing their hardest enemy since Kaiser Bill – the New York mafia. But the thought of running never occurs.
The Shelbys have fought their way out of the backstreets of Small Heath, taking on Alfie Solomons, dodgy Russians and the dodgier Father John along the way.
Now they’re up against Luca Changretta’s “organisation of a different dimension”.
So whispering Thomas, who’s as sharp as the razor in his cap, brings in back-up – a small army of ex-squaddies and the “savage” swaggering Aberama Gold, AKA Littlefinger from Game of Thrones, left. Gold arrives on horseback with a corpse across his saddle. The show always felt like a British Western, but it’s become more like a gangster movie. Working class England has never looked so stylish.
The vendetta unfolds against a background of industrial unrest – the 1926 General Strike is months away.
Blinders makes mistakes, but the show is about the look and the feel rather than the history. For some reason we were treated to a long, gratuitous shot of Thomas’ naked arse.
We can only hope it’s Ada’s turn next. MICHAEL McIntyre’s Big Show…Charlie Murphy, Peaky Blinders…Gulag (BBC iPlayer)… Godless, right (Netflix)…Motherland HOWARDS End – I wish it would... Tamara’s World, left – will we warm to Ecclestone? Will we ’eck as like...Insert Name Here – insert point first.
‘I don’t want to beat too fast or I’ll splash myself.’
TV stars bombarding us with lame Xmas albums. Nitwit media commentators calling murderous Mugabe a “freedom fighter”. Actresses with faces so Botoxed they could be their own waxworks. The BBC’s absurd faith in Tess Daly’s ability to entertain us.