Moaning Miriam kicks up a stink
HARRY was talking about desserts on Come Dine With Me when he said: B.Sykes of Sudbury wins £35 for that howler. Keep ’em coming to the address at the top of the page.
FRANKIE Gaff told her Made In Chelsea mates: “I had all of these strong men planned for my big entrance.” Blimey. Remind me to weight-train.
THE X Factor final surprised no-one. Rak-Su beat Grace, although both will have hits. The big loser was ITV. The series was a ratings disaster, devoid of eccentrics and talking points.
While BBC big guns – Blue Planet, Strictly – always deliver, ITV’s bankers are fading. The network needs fresh ideas, fast.
PENGUINS faced the world’s “biggest wall of blubber” on Planet Earth II – elephant seals. The second biggest? Gemma Collins. SEA lions corralling tuna on Blue Planet II. Curb Your Enthusiasm’s curvaceous signer for the deaf. Michael McIntyre’s send-to-all segment. The Dancing on Ice trailer. Diane Morgan, Motherland. Gil Scott-Heron clips on Gregory Porter’s Popular Music.
US superheroes took on alien super-villains in a series of Sky One shows last week. The bad guys were from Earth-X – where the Nazis won the war. Imagine the TV shows they’d watch there: Coronation Strasse, London’s Burnt, Birds Of A Fuhrer, Strictly Komm Goose-stepping...
FIRST DATES BOARDGAME WINNERS
J Rich, Somerset; L Heaton, Huddersfield; C Mansfield, Stoke on Trent; D Hill, Glasgow; P Morris, Bromley; D Millar, Newport; J Bruce, Essex
MIRIAM Margolyes put the wind up everyone on The Real Marigold On Tour.
Britain’s roving ambassador for flatulence terrorised an unsuspecting China.
Her “jam-tarts” and bowel obsession hung over the show like foul-smelling smog. No wonder so many Chinese folk in her proximity wore face masks.
No-one will ever say the elderly actress is a breath of fresh air. Or a shrinking violet... As ever, everything was about Miriam.
It’s quite a skill to upstage Rosemary Shrager and Wayne Sleep. But she managed it – Margolyes commandeered the best bed, shouted loudest and moaned constantly.
Bobby George seemed shy and retiring in her company, although he was understandably keen to emphasise they weren’t a couple. “No way babes, no way.”
And yet just when you thought the selfish old trout has a heart of granite, she teared up meeting a panda. “I didn’t expect it to just be there,” she sobbed. No, not in a Panda Base.
She was noticeably less well disposed to children. It’s pandas good, kids bad for Miriam.
Our celebrity explorers were in Chengdu to find out what it’s like to grow old in China. This was a genuine eye-opener.
The Chinese retire at 50 but live rich lives singing, dancing, exercising Email me at: garry.bushell@ dailystar.co.uk or write c/o Daily Star Sunday,
10 Lower Thames Street, London
EC3R 6EN and learning. China has thousands of educational institutions for the
over-50s. And, okay, they also have shocking pollution and zero democracy, but they do get some things right.
Chinese culture respects the elderly and effortlessly mixes the traditional with the modern.
Chengdu has a state-of-the-art tube system, bullet trains and an incredible
400metre swimming pool with its own beach and Mediterranean-style village in a giant shopping centre.
Naturally, Miriam hated it. “This is a f***ing nightmare,” she moaned. “This isn’t a pool, it’s a disaster. I hate this pool.”
Aside from Theresa May’s “negotiating” skills, nothing last week made me more ashamed to be English.
They complained about the food – “too bloody authentic” – and the tea, and thought the best way to communicate was to holler “DO YOU SPEAK ENGLISH?” at locals, who largely did.
It certainly didn’t help translating “four” into Spanish. What was the logic? Any foreign lingo will do?
This week, Cuba. What could possibly go wrong? HOW do we know we’re not living in The Matrix, a geezer in a pub asked me this week?
Well I’m pretty sure that if we were the TV would be a whole lot better.
Have you seen the Christmas schedules? Cakes, sequins, soaps, midwives, two hours of Victoria, Mel & ruddy Sue... This year’s line-up feels like it was jotted down on the back of a feminine hygiene product by a couple of bored Loose Women during an ad break.
Where are the jokes and where are the blokes? Granted, we get a man in a dress on BBC One at 10pm, left, but every channel has turned its back on the very things that made festive telly special – family comedy shows and brilliant sitcom specials.
Sadly Del-Boy and Rodney seem as distant as Morecambe & Wise. We don’t make big-hearted, genuinely funny “feck-free” shows anymore.
Mainstream laughs have all but vanished from prime time, and we feel their loss. Especially at what should be a time of joy.
Even Corrie is more about sad tidings than glad ones these days. TOM Hardy, Peaky Blinders, right...Susie Essman, Curb Your Enthusiasm (SkyAt)... The Grand Tour (AmPrime)...Matt Smith, The Crown (Netflix). MIRIAM Margolyes – rude, selfish, unlikable; can we have her in the jungle please?... Kirstie’s Handmade Xmas, left – a load of old baubles. SINEAD’S unlikely love triangle on Corrie. Kez Very-dull Dugdale calling jungle buddy Stanley Johnson “white, old, male and stale” when he was ten times smarter and more bearable than her. Theresa May’s roll-over and surrender approach to negotiations. A FRIEND asked his wife why she watches Bake Off as she can’t cook. She replied: “Well you watched Masters Of Sex, didn’t you?”