‘HeistEnders’ is taking the Mick
MAVIS Staples putting the nanny (and hoot) in Hootenanny. The Beat & George McCrae too. Jess Impiazzi. Hunted. Derry Girls. The Real T. Rex. New Will & Grace. Bruce Dickinson, University Challenge. Celeb Mastermind – even if we don’t know half of the “celebrities” and most are as thick as mince. DARREN was talking about his poultry dish – Beer Butt Chicken – on Dinner Date when he said: S.Meredith of Liverpool wins £35 for that howler. Keep ’em coming to the address at the top of the page. LUCY Porter, 4ft 11in, on her 6ft 5in fella: “In the bedroom we look like a ventriloquism act that’s gone to a really dark place.”
AND They’re Off? It soon was... TEST Match umpires. Miriam Margolyes. C5 nitwits warning us The Two Ronnies contains “mildly offensive language” – like what? John Robins still banging on about his split with Sara Pascoe – I’ve seen their acts, they’ve both had a lucky escape.
THERE are people out there, poor deluded souls, who will tell you EastEnders is getting better.
Perhaps they can explain, via their nurses or carers, the merits of Aidan’s big heist.
It was like a cross between Reservoir Clods and Carry On Clueless. If this is a resurgent EastEnders, gawd help us when it goes off again.
The plot boiled down to: “Let’s stage an armed robbery on our own doorstep! Right outside The Arches! With wooden guns!”
Aidan assembled a crack team of hardened blaggers for the robbery – his former cellmate Phil, a man who’d get winded playing cribbage; dimwit lifemodel Keanu; and career non-criminal Mick Carter, who the script contrived to arrive in comedy bulldog slippers.
That’s Lock, Stock & Some Shocking Apparel.
Aidan also roped in Vincent the grass, so he could menace him for stitching up his brother…something he could’ve done just as easily in The Albert.
So not exactly Ocean’s Eleven…not even his third team reserves.
Aidan’s blag involved nicking his ex’s cash from a van. In the process, his gang of clowns were clocked by Bernadette, Masood and his new relatives…and stalked by Linda and Email me at: garry.bushell@ dailystar.co.uk or write c/o Daily Star Sunday,
10 Lower Thames Street, London
EC3R 6EN Shirley. Naturally, it all went pearshaped. The security geezers had real shooters and Mick got clipped in the bicep by his old mate Halfway (AKA Halfwit) who we’d never heard of and no serious villain would ever hire.
Aidan hid the loot in a coffin at Billy’s funeral parlour and surprise, surprise, it got buried. Then it vanished, suggesting the seventh man on the team was Dynamo or Lance Burton. Laugh? You’ll never start. Meanwhile Tanya, whose daughters had just plummeted from a ledge wider than ’Evver Trott’s aris, disappeared rather than, say, visiting them in hospital like the loving mum she is supposed to be. (Albeit a loving mum who once buried their father alive...)
Max doesn’t have much luck. His brother abducted and battered him. His daughter ran him over. His dad (genial Jim) tortured him as a child.
Phil and Beale then framed him for Lucy’s murder and richly deserve the revenge he had planned for them.
If only Max had remembered that his late brother Derek had been a proper gangster. He could’ve just approached Del’s old pals, taken out a contract on them and spared himself the heartache… I HATED the opening half-hour of
McMafia, with its dull pace, microscopic subtitles and James
Norton wandering around like a stunned mullet…but
I’m glad I stuck with it.
Two episodes in, most viewers will have been sucked into the web of international intrigue as surely as Norton’s Alex Godman has been.
He started out a clean-cut hedge fund manager untarnished by his Russian family’s criminal background, and is now cutting deals with Polish hoods and up to his neck in iffy money transfers.
The show has intelligence and authenticity, taking in several continents and an array of global crimes including counterfeiting, human trafficking and no doubt a UK railway board – surely the world’s greatest racket.
The violence when it comes is all the more shocking for its brutality.
It’s proper grown-up telly, with a moral – never, ever take a caviar knife for granted. EDDIE “The Beast” Hall, right, World’s Strongest Man... Black Mirror (Netflix)...McMafia... Inside No. 9...Rob “Voltage” Cross. GUESS The Star – guess the point... Girlfriends, left – weak Mellor-drama... All Star Musicals – hit more wrong notes than Les Dawson.
‘It’s important to make sure you get a bird with a big enough hole’