NTAs show it’s all gong wrong

IAN Kelsey was talking about the ex-Army man his character on Doctors is based on, who sparked resignations when he took over an NHS practice, when he said: A.Wrightman of Newport wins £35 for that howler. Keep ’em coming to the address at the top of the page.

SOME say the National Television Awards are pointless.

The categories are bonkers, the winners don’t reflect the best of modern TV, the same people win every year...

All true. ITV’s big night is more déjà vu than Groundhog Day. But in their defence, did you see Tiffany Watson’s plunging gown, right? It defied gravity more spectacularly than the Tardis.

Now for the case against: the brilliant Line of Duty won nothing; Peaky Blinders didn’t merit a mention; nor did Big Little Lies or Inside No. 9.

There were no awards for terrific Thandie Newton or Sean Bean, whose mesmerising performance in Broken outshone writer Jimmy McGovern’s debatable political agenda.

Catastrophe wasn’t even in the running for top sitcom.

Does anyone alive believe Still Open All Hours is funnier and more worthy of a nomination than Curb Your Enthusiasm?

David Walliams, inset, won Best Judge despite having no critical faculties whatsoever. David adores any act that’s a bit camp, no matter how lousy they are.

Remember The Showbears? Or Christian Spridon? I wish I didn’t.

Although in fairness, at least he turns up on time…unlike Simon Cowell who nowadays goes through the motions like a bored sewerage worker.

The producers forgot that soaps already have their own equally puffed-up awards Email me at: garry.bushell@ dailystar.co.uk or write c/o Daily Star Sunday,

10 Lower Thames Street, London

EC3R 6EN night. They snubbed Lee Mack and Harry Hill. And how is Love Island a Challenge? What’s the challenge? Not getting chlamydia?

Why put a glorified shag-fest up against two cooking formats and I’m A Celebrity? How can Ambulance be in the same category as Gogglebox?

If The Chase can go up against Jeremy Kyle, will Andrew Neil take on Loose Women? Or Newsnight compete against Curious George...who’s way more credible than James O’Brien? Why isn’t there a chat show section for Graham Norton to win? ITV dreamed up the NTAs decades ago as a glorified consolation prize. It’s now 180 minutes of mainstream TV patting itself on its complacent back.

And yes, I know the public vote for the outcome. But don’t let’s kid ourselves that this is any kind of democracy.

ITV decide what we can vote for. They dream up the demented categories. They allow some shows to canvass for votes when others clearly can’t and they essentially control the outcome…

But there’s not a single winner who wouldn’t rather be collecting a Bafta.

THE best thing about the NTAs? The opening, which saw Dermot being examined by TV medics – Casualty’s Connie Beauchamp, Gemma Foster GP (generally psychotic) and most suitably Scott from Vet on the Hill.

Let’s hope they cured his compulsive hug disorder.

THE unthinkable happened on EastEnders. For a few moments it was actually watchable.

Part-time lesbian Sonia tore into Stacey for betraying Martin, her ex, telling the bipolar love rat: “Your morals are looser than your knickers... You’re more unstable than a three-legged chair.”

She also reminded her: “It’s meant to be the turkey that gets stuffed at Christmas.” Ouch. Stace looked as happy as Lily Allen watching Zulu.

I’d praise writer Daran Little for this unexpected burst of reality, except he also penned Thursday’s Lady Di episode which was dog crap, literally and metaphorically. At least their slanging match made a change from writers pushing their tedious right-on views.

The run-up to Christmas saw Mick Carter fretting that a small Nativity scene in the Vic might upset his non-existent multi-faith regulars. All over East London other pub guv’nors felt his pain. JOS Buttler, right... SAS: Who Dares Wins...Rebecka Martinsson’s Ida Engvoll...Spiral (BBC4)...Hunted – grips like Kathy Beale. LORRAINE Stanley, left, EastEnders – hammier than a hog farm…Girlfriends – barmier than Britannia…The Wave – wetter than Storm Georgina.

‘He was treating them like they were his privates’