Dating game’s a dog’s dinner
C.Ryan of north London wins £35 for that howler. Keep ’em coming to the address at the top of the page. ROGER Allam, Endeavour. Rob Beckett’s Celebs Go Dating voiceover. Siobhan McSweeney, Derry Girls. The thrilling Superbowl. The Inside No. 9 finale. Maltese: The Mafia Detective. The X-Files. Lucy Cox, Dragons Den
– I’m still seeing double.
LOVE Island loser Muggy Mike Thalassitis washed up on Celebs Go Dating with all the charm of an unflushed portaloo.
“I’m going to play Flappy Birds until you’ve drunk that wine,” the big-headed berk told date Emma.
Tsk. And they said romance was dead. Earlier “The Mugmeister” informed her: “I’m a handful in every way... sometimes I’m a mouthful.” Gee Mr Subtlety, what can you mean?
When he asked her in Greek “Do you want a cucumber up your arse?” Emma replied “W***er”, also in Greek, suggesting she’d seen right through the self-absorbed piece of shish.
But minutes later she was snogging him outside the restaurant, proving good looks and micro-fame will always trump personality and manners.
Even if you’re as shallow as a toddler’s paddling pool.
Celebrity TV has produced many magic moments, but increasingly it’s just become a vehicle for recycling the worst dregs of reality telly.
And they don’t get much dreggier than Gemma Collins, 37 (stone), who described herself as “fun, obnoxious and intriguing” – one third accurate.
“I’m not here to entertain anyone,” she ranted. Ain’t that the truth? Email me at: garry.bushell@ dailystar.co.uk or write c/o Daily Star Sunday,
10 Lower Thames Street, London
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Collins comes over as lazy, deluded and sulky with an unfathomable sense of entitlement – the perfect ingredients for modern TV fame. Naturally, she’s a total hypocrite. Gemma walked out on Terry for suggesting she’s a diva even though that’s what she calls herself.
She’d rolled up late for that date and fished for compliments on another:
“I’m a babe, ain’t I?” Absolutely, hon. Just like the film.
Why does “celebrity” TV reward these arrogant, boastful creeps? Because it works, I guess. But E4 are definitely scrapping the bottom of the nonentity barrel here. Tongue-tied Jonathan Lipnicki, a stand-offish Ollie Locke...this was more like Dullards Go Dating. Olympian Jade Jones struggling with a personality-free suitor was like pulling teeth. While posh simpleton Sam Thompson behaves like an overgrown 12-year-old. “They don’t call me Fun Time Sam for nothing,” he claimed. Or at all. Agency receptionist Tom Read Wilson is so camp he makes Tom Allen look like Bill Sykes.
“I’d love to be in Tom’s head. It must be like a Disney Store in there,” said Rob Beckett, whose mocking voice-over remains the only real reason to watch the show. CELEBRITY Ghost Hunt should be called Dunces in the Dark. It’s basically I’m Famous & Frightened for the less famous and more frightened.
All the greats were here – Marnie the Geordie Shore bedwetter, Bobby the TOWIE hairdresser and Marcel from Blazin’ Squad.
Rylan led this pack of twerps into an underground nuclear bunker in Essex which was “haunted”. Of course it was. Kelvedon Hatch also provides paintballing and zip-lining services. It’s open to the public, so sightseers will be familiar with the resident “scary” mannequin of Baroness Thatcher. “She was our prime minister, the first one ever”, explained Bobby.
No-one ever hanged themselves here. Everyone who’s suffered Most Haunted will know the drill – lights go out, noises are amplified and subconscious self-suggestion kicks in.
“I’m being watched,” squealed Bobby. Yes mate, you’re on camera. Gawd knows why.
In fairness, the show inspired many to reach out to the other side. In my case Vikings on the History Channel. SAS: Who Dares Wins...Anthony Watson, right... Hull’s Headscarf Heroes... Vikings... Hunted finale. ALL Together Now – all forgotten soon...What Would Your Kid Do? – change channels... Celebrity Ghost Hunt, left – fairground ghost trains are scarier, and crucially much quicker. ONE a disturbing and slightly bonkers non-human lifeform…the other rescued Caesar in War for the Planet of the Apes. BOORISH Terry Christian on Question Time – one Christian who proves the Romans had a point. The way Gemma eats on Corrie. The Pat Phelan storyline lasting longer than Brexit. TV OD-ing on karaoke – where are the openings for new music? RAGNAR was caged, chained and guarded by scores of Saxon soldiers on Vikings. How would he get out of that?
He didn’t. There was no rescue raid, no David Blaine-style escape. Ragnar was beaten, tortured and then dropped into a snake pit to die.
A sad demise for the show’s pivotal character, but an exit Corrie could consider for Pat Phelan. Soon please.