Seventies stars in laughs Vegas
STEPH Barrett was making pastry on Come Dine With Me when she said: T.Sangster of The Wirrall wins £35 for that howler. Keep ’em coming to the address at the top of the page.
VIVA Las Wrinklies! ITV have sent eight veteran showbiz favourites – and Jess Conrad – to try to crack Las Vegas.
There’s Cannon & Ball, Bernie Clifton, Su Pollard, Bobby Crush... the veritable cream of British light entertainment...circa 1979.
Plus 60s stars Kenny “Kipper” Lynch and classy Anita Harris, with that name like an advert for buttock enhancement.
Last Laugh in Vegas also fields Mick Miller, the wonderful wise-cracking Scouse stand-up renowned for sharp one-liners like “I lost my hair at 16... What a card game that was...”
Bizarrely, ITV haven’t recruited singing impressionist Joe Longthorne or comedy magician John Archer who would have worked there perfectly.
They’ve given our oldies a Yank mentor – Frank Marino, a drag queen who specialises in impersonating Dolly Parton. (He was a Joan Rivers tribute act – she sued him for using her gags).
Surgery addict Frank appears to have inherited Michael Jackson’s barnet, and he looks like he’s just beamed down Email me at: garry.bushell@ dailystar.co.uk or write c/o Daily Star Sunday,
10 Lower Thames Street, London
EC3R 6EN from Planet Plastic. Yet he had the cheek to say Mick’s trademark hair made him look odd! Frank suggested cutting it. “I nearly rang the ambulance for him,” said Mick.
Nothing prepared Marino for Bernie and his ostrich. “Is the chicken drunk?” he asked, adding later that Bernie’s act would be “a little over the audience’s heads. Umm, isn’t physical comedy universal?
There were the expected “reality” twists. They get to their digs and there don’t appear to be enough beds…Bobby Crush’s bedroom is too bland…there’s no kettle.
“It’s like the Third World,” complained Su unconvincingly.
She’s the noisiest, Bobby Ball is the most instantly likable. Crush complains the most.
Peacock-vain Jess Conrad is surely just there to wind us up. “It’s very difficult for showbiz people to mix with ordinaries,” said the singer who released This Pullover, the naffest andmost ordinary single of all time. The highlight was old footage of the turns in their prime. Bernie, inset, was particularly sprightly back then. “Every new ostrich I get, I just can’t get ’em to run as quick as the previous one,” he quipped. Bobby Ball cut through the nostalgia. “You can look back at the past, but you can’t live in it,” he said wisely. Can Team GB (Geriatric Buggers) follow in the footsteps of Elvis, Sinatra, Sammy and Celine? Of course they can’t!
But there ought to be some laughs along the way. ITV have done this before. In 1977 they put Bernard Manning on at the MGM Grand. But the Brits who do best in Sin City are always singers – Elton, Rod, Engelbert (who takes his own dartboard) and Matt Goss. ALICE Eve & Bill Nighy, right, Ordeal by Innocence... Simona Brown, Kiss Me First... Deep State (Fox)... Power (Netflix). SUE Perkins, left – if only we could..Change Your Tune – you’ll change the channel... Five Star Hotel – two-bob telly...I Don’t Like Mondays – TFI Frightful. WHAT’S Easter without a resurrection? Fiendish Pat Phelan survived his fall into the ice-cold sea on Corrie.
And despite gouging his leg open, he overcame strong currents to re-emerge like a comic book super-villain. (Lex Lewder? Danger Scouse?)
Pat’s so hard he stitched up his own wound with a needle and thread...without anaesthetic. Not the first time he’s dealt with a nasty gash. (Insert your own Keith Lemon punchline here).
There hasn’t been a miracle like this since Billy the vicar toppled 200ft off a cliff and lived. Luckily, rocks oop North are made entirely of Eccles cake.
‘The more you handle it, the harder it gets’