‘Ball­point’ Jack Dani’s Mr Write

Daily Star Sunday - - FRONT PAGE -

LUCY Cooke was talk­ing about a fledg­ling nest on Spring­watch when she said: M.Ed­monds of Ger­rards Cross wins £35 for that howler. Keep ’em com­ing to the ad­dress at the top of the page.

ON Love Is­land Samira pum­melled a melon to pulp with her but­tocks.

Blimey. And you thought Jess Shears had cor­nered the mar­ket in smash­ing mel­ons...

It’s just a won­der Adam Col­lard didn’t make an in­stant move on her.

Adam, who has more abs than a car­toon strong­man, could be the new Muggy Mike. Of the 200 con­doms in stock, 199 are be­lieved to have his name on them.

Niall was Adam’s first vic­tim when he plucked Ken­dall from his arms. “He’s got a big fat sledge­ham­mer,” com­plained Niall. “I’ve got a lit­tle pick­axe.”

For the nut-crack­ers, see Samira who dropped A&E doc­tor Alex like a hot scalpel. And Laura, who seemed a whole lot keener on Wes af­ter learn­ing he’d once spent £1,000 on a first date.

Keener still when they’d shared a bed and she re­alised his “thing” is “ac­tu­ally gi­nor­mous...I’m scared of it a bit.”

Else­where there’s Eyal, who’s like a drippy hippy Kem, and Hay­ley, with her pout – think Email me at: garry.bushell@ dai­lystar.co.uk or write c/o Daily Star Sun­day,

10 Lower Thames Street, Lon­don

EC3R 6EN bud­get Bar­dot. Dishy but dim Hay­ley claims to have slept with only one boyfriend. Though it’s pos­si­ble she can’t count any higher. Lovely woman, but it’s odds-on she’ll never walk away with the Mas­ter­mind glass­ware.

I’m root­ing for Jack and Dani, be­low. She’s Danny Dyer’s daugh­ter and as Jack pointed out their names are (po­lite) Cock­ney rhyming slang for a woman’s pri­vates.

Jack, with teeth to daz­zle an

Osmond, sells pens for a liv­ing. “I didn’t even know that was a fing,” said Dani, who’s so dim she prob­a­bly thinks Mykonos was one of the Three Mus­ke­teers.

“Trust me, it’s a mas­sive thing,” replied Jack, who may still have been talk­ing about pens.

It looked like they’d clicked and that a crafty Donald might be on the cards... un­til the Ex­cess Bag­gage round, when bar­maid Dani learned Jack cheated on all of his pre­vi­ous girl­friends... “There were only two of them,” he protested. Oddly she wasn’t re­as­sured. Dani had what Mick Carter would call “a lit­tle pipe” and pied Jack off with­out even sam­pling his ball­point. Now they’re back on again, like a proper soap cou­ple.

Love Is­land may be as deep as a tod­dlers’ play pool but it makes Take Me Out seem tame and Big Brother com­pletely re­dun­dant. Granted, it’s morally re­pug­nant – is­landers are en­cour­aged to swap part­ners and shag vir­tual strangers for money. But in fair­ness, last year’s series did pro­duce one en­dur­ing cou­ple…Chris and Kem. Miss­ing you al­ready, guys. CHRIS O’Dowd, right, Get Shorty (SkyAt)... Adri­enne War­ren...The Amer­i­cans finale. HELLO Stranger – good­bye cred­i­bil­ity... Frankie Goes To Rus­sia, left – shame he came back. THE di­a­logue on Our Girl. The Post­code Lotto ad­vert. The Pur­ple Bricks ad. Our ir­ra­tional be­lief in the ef­fi­ciency of things like wind tur­bines and BBC weather fore­casts. Net­flix’s Jack White­hall spe­cial – an­other comic dud.

‘Those tits will be out come Satur­day’

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