‘Ballpoint’ Jack Dani’s Mr Write
LUCY Cooke was talking about a fledgling nest on Springwatch when she said: M.Edmonds of Gerrards Cross wins £35 for that howler. Keep ’em coming to the address at the top of the page.
ON Love Island Samira pummelled a melon to pulp with her buttocks.
Blimey. And you thought Jess Shears had cornered the market in smashing melons...
It’s just a wonder Adam Collard didn’t make an instant move on her.
Adam, who has more abs than a cartoon strongman, could be the new Muggy Mike. Of the 200 condoms in stock, 199 are believed to have his name on them.
Niall was Adam’s first victim when he plucked Kendall from his arms. “He’s got a big fat sledgehammer,” complained Niall. “I’ve got a little pickaxe.”
For the nut-crackers, see Samira who dropped A&E doctor Alex like a hot scalpel. And Laura, who seemed a whole lot keener on Wes after learning he’d once spent £1,000 on a first date.
Keener still when they’d shared a bed and she realised his “thing” is “actually ginormous...I’m scared of it a bit.”
Elsewhere there’s Eyal, who’s like a drippy hippy Kem, and Hayley, with her pout – think Email me at: garry.bushell@ dailystar.co.uk or write c/o Daily Star Sunday,
10 Lower Thames Street, London
EC3R 6EN budget Bardot. Dishy but dim Hayley claims to have slept with only one boyfriend. Though it’s possible she can’t count any higher. Lovely woman, but it’s odds-on she’ll never walk away with the Mastermind glassware.
I’m rooting for Jack and Dani, below. She’s Danny Dyer’s daughter and as Jack pointed out their names are (polite) Cockney rhyming slang for a woman’s privates.
Jack, with teeth to dazzle an
Osmond, sells pens for a living. “I didn’t even know that was a fing,” said Dani, who’s so dim she probably thinks Mykonos was one of the Three Musketeers.
“Trust me, it’s a massive thing,” replied Jack, who may still have been talking about pens.
It looked like they’d clicked and that a crafty Donald might be on the cards... until the Excess Baggage round, when barmaid Dani learned Jack cheated on all of his previous girlfriends... “There were only two of them,” he protested. Oddly she wasn’t reassured. Dani had what Mick Carter would call “a little pipe” and pied Jack off without even sampling his ballpoint. Now they’re back on again, like a proper soap couple.
Love Island may be as deep as a toddlers’ play pool but it makes Take Me Out seem tame and Big Brother completely redundant. Granted, it’s morally repugnant – islanders are encouraged to swap partners and shag virtual strangers for money. But in fairness, last year’s series did produce one enduring couple…Chris and Kem. Missing you already, guys. CHRIS O’Dowd, right, Get Shorty (SkyAt)... Adrienne Warren...The Americans finale. HELLO Stranger – goodbye credibility... Frankie Goes To Russia, left – shame he came back. THE dialogue on Our Girl. The Postcode Lotto advert. The Purple Bricks ad. Our irrational belief in the efficiency of things like wind turbines and BBC weather forecasts. Netflix’s Jack Whitehall special – another comic dud.
‘Those tits will be out come Saturday’