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GORDON Ramsay exposed shocking standards at New Orleans eaterie The Old Coffee Pot. Hidden cameras revealed rats and roaches in the kitchen.

The chef couldn’t poach eggs, the chicken was re-heated, the service poor...The place had about as much appeal as Quasimodo on Love Island.

I didn’t catch the chef’s name, possibly Sam O’Nella, but the joint was losing cash faster than Thames Water leaks H2O.

24 Hours To Hell & Back is the same format as Kitchen Nightmares except Gordon goes undercover and has just one day to save their bacon.

Can he do it? There wouldn’t be a show if he couldn’t. Shame his own own restaurants aren’t always so easy to rescue... Love Island’s Dr Alex. The Met Office. Kayla’s voice on Corrie. Those Halifax ads – first they give a mortgage to Top Cat, who lived in a bin, then Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz whose house blew away. What’s the message? Don’t use us, we’re idiots? STEPHEN Fry was describing a beetle climbing on elephant dung on Hidden Kingdom when he said: C.Ryan of London wins £35 for that howler. Keep ’em coming to the address at the top of the page.

IN The Frankenstein Chronicles a monster comes at night and snatches children. Who knew they had social workers in 1827? Shame the director thinks atmospheric means slow and grim.

‘The bigger the balls the better... and she climbs on board for the ride.”’

THE next season of American Horror Story will be AHS: Apocalypse. This will be followed by AHS: Kardashians, AHS: Weinstein and AHS: Netflix Comedians.

WASN’T it hot this week? So hot the slappers on Geordie Shore were using iced condoms... so hot in Walford Max was seeking out Cora just for the chill of her disdain.