Saved by some Krankie panky
JANETTE Krankie wept at the sight of a donkey laden down with bricks on The Real Marigold Hotel.
Manic traffic in the Indian city of Udaipur freaked her out too.
Husband Ian explained: “Janette went from crying to laughing to being terrified”... which sounds a lot like the reaction of Krankies’ fans when they read about the comedy duo’s colourful sex lives.
For your own sake, don’t Google that. An unusual stench hung over the show, but for once Miriam Margolyes wasn’t to blame. The flatulent actress and her fellow travellers have been replaced by a new team of old faces.
And the strange smells came from steaming cowpats in the streets mingling with spices.
Retired jockey Bob Champion had never eaten curry before and looked as happy about the experience as a man who’d just seen his own todger on World’s Tiniest Masterpieces.
He and lovable Syd Little enjoyed Indian grub so much that the next day they cooked themselves a traditional English roast dinner.
An obliging butcher supplied the chickens, beheading them fresh before their eyes. Cue predictable snowflake outrage. The Krankies, inset, were the most fun, joking and play-squabbling.
They gentled teased Stanley Johnson for overspending in an offie.
“You can’t get a bottle of wine for £8 in England now,” Bojo’s dad claimed.
“You can always go to Lidl or Aldi,” Janette replied.
Likeable Stan looked puzzled, as if she were talking about Tuscany villages he hadn’t heard of. Talk about fandabi-dozy.
They’re all too nice for reality TV. The only one with attitude was former Dynasty star Stephanie Beacham, who called Udaipur “a bit grubby” and a bag of crisps “truly disgusting”.
But even snooty Steph didn’t fall out with anyone. It’s good they’re still alive, but why would anyone want to watch four weeks of this?
Surely it’d be better to see comics perform, actors act, Selina Scott interview and the Krankies on Celebrity Sex Box (the horror!)?
Peter Dean should be back in EastEnders. If the soap can resurrect Kathy (and Den) why not Pete “Tweacle” Beale?
●MEMO to TV Tristrams: I’ve done telly. I’m getting on a bit. If anyone wants to jet me somewhere exotic with Heather Locklear and Cleo Rocos, I’m probably available...
●COMING soon (maybe): Celebrity Cocoon – Jimmy Cricket, John Cooper Clarke and Pan’s People are rejuvenated by aliens in Florida.
The Dirty Dozen – Jim Davidson and Chubby Brown lead a team of blue comedians onto student campuses. What could possibly go wrong? Obituary Knocks – ageing curmudgeons including Janet Stree’-Por’ah & Vince Cable moan around the clock until someone dies.
No cameras required.