Alley-lujah for return of CBB
FAKE Or Fortune. Not to be confused with Stormy Daniels. Her breasts are fake and she costs a fortune.
FAITH Behind Bars was disappointing. No Eve Myles. GENETICIST George Church was discussing creating a real unicorn when he told Alice Roberts: M.Ashbee of Etchingham wins £35 for that howler. Keep ’em coming to the address at the top of the page. LOOPIEST soap twist? Walford nice guy Keanu suddenly becoming The Hulk. So he’s lived in east London all his life and never lost his temper before? Gertcha. He’s clicked with Sharon though, and you don’t need Psychic Sal to know what’s coming next. Not so much Driving Miss Daisy as Porking Miss Piggy.
WHY the fuss about Jack Whitehall playing a gay man? Gay stars have pulled off straight parts for decades. What next? An alien demanding a starring role on Doctor Who? How about it Rodrigo Alves?
CELEBRITY Big Brother is back! Hurrah! Shouts of joy echoed across the land.
“Who’s that?” we cried. “Why her?” “The state of him!” And “Where the heck is Stormy Daniels?”
The US porn star who claims to have had “textbook sex” with Trump pulled out at the last minute. Unlike Donald (allegedly). What a big teaser!
No Stormy left CBB with a light shower, and a pointless White House themed garden.
The best booking is Kirstie Alley, once the sultry star of classic sitcom Cheers and now the number one reason to buy a widescreen TV.
There’s also likeable Ryan “Jason Grimshaw” Thomas and slightly loopy ex-Emmerdale star Roxanne Pallett.
“What’s she like to live with?” host Emma Willis asked Roxy’s fiancé Lee. How would he know? They only met last month.
Some of these housemates would be zero scores in Pointless.
Barking Brazilian Rodrigo, AKA the human Ken doll, has disfigured himself with endless plastic surgery. He looks like he got that face second-hand from a wax museum.
Natalie Nunn? Me neither. She’s the token combustible Yank, but her Bad Girls Club reality TV show passed Email me at: garry.bushell@ dailystar.co.uk or write c/o Daily Star Sunday,
10 Lower Thames Street, London
EC3R 6EN Britain by. The rest are either damaged or disgraced: Jermaine Pennant (jailed for drink-driving), Nick Leeson (banged up for rogue trading), former TOWIE love rat Dan Osborne (incarceration yet to come).
Hardeep Singh Kohli, alleged comedian, was suspended from The One Show for “inappropriate behaviour”.
Chloe Ayling’s modelling career was fading until she was kidnapped in Milan. She looks the part but has a voice that could grate cheese.
Finally there’s self-proclaimed “psychic” Sally Morgan, who insisted she was no fraud…because mediums are all 100per cent genuine. Just like Big Foot and the Tooth Fairy.
Fact: Most of the celebs Sal read for on ITV would have been outwitted by a pickle jar.
The success of CBB is down to the casting, recruiting personalities who either clash most deliciously or cop off most shamelessly.
We’ve seen Vanessa Feltz in full-blown melt-down, Jack Dee break out of the house, and Jim Davidson take on Linda Nolan and triumph.
Will any of this lot row like Kim Woodburn or score like Lewis Bloor? I’m not sure I care enough to find out. DRAGONS’ Den has been on telly for 13 years. How can people not know how it works?
We still get nitwits going on valuing non-existent businesses at £1million. The cast-iron format has survived losing giant characters like Duncan, Theo and Hilary.
It’s also survived the dull replacements… Tej couldn’t be any more laidback if he were laid out in a morgue.
Or so I thought until he picked up a guitar and knocked out an Oasis song. Peter Jones’ eyes lit up. It was like Hamfatter all over again. ISSA Rae, right, Insecure (SkyAt)... Judge Rinder’s Who Do You Think You Are?... Xosha Roquemore, I’m Dying Up Here. MUMBLING actors. John Bishop. Gregg Wallace attempting bonhomie. The endlessly repeated myth that Benny Hill “chased women”. He was chased! Benny’s men always lost. The BBC’s Big British Asian Summer blanking East and South East Asia. Jones is still the dream dragon, even if his new stubbly look is frankly un-investable. What, he’s worth half a billion and he can’t afford a razor blade?
Oddest pitch: Sam Piri, whose synthetic corpses were stuffed with real pig organs.
This life-size version of the kids’ game Operation would obviously work as a training tool. But Sam’s business was dinner and dissection themed evenings.
Think Saturday Night Cleaver, Little Chop Of Horrors, Murder She Roast, How I Minced Your Mother...
Best rescue: Rupesh and Alex. The likable pair were struggling thanks to Sainsbury’s paying them 3p per unit less than their iced milk tea costs them to produce. Ouch. NISH Kumar, left – I’ve had funnier nosebleeds ...Hang Ups – wet therapy...The New Wife...The Handmaid’s Tale finale – a cop-out ending to a dismal second season.