TV obsession? I’ll bake it or leave it
OBVIOUSLY empty takeaway coffee cups on soaps. The bizarre and inexplicable laugh track on Upstart Crow. Corrie’s alleged Tina McIntyre lookalike who wasn’t. The BBC using our licence fee cash to fly Shirley Ballas’ pampered pooch business class. KIRSTEN Ramsay wanted help glueing the head back on a ceramic figure on The Repair Shop when she told Jay Blades: B.Sykes of Sudbury wins £35 for that howler. Keep ’em coming to the address at the top of the page. ON BBC Breakfast, weather wonder Carol Kirkwood said straight-faced: “And waiting in the wings are a clutch of fronts!”
Not sure if she was still forecasting or handing back to the two dullards on the Salford sofa.
Many’s the time I’ve called ’em something similar. VIKINGS re-running from scratch on 5Spike. Peter Barlow’s miraculous self-changing hairstyle. Bondi Rescue. Emma, First Dates Hotels. This Is Bob Hope (PBS). Disenchantment. The History Of Comedy. Madeleine Mantock. Brilliant Brad Garrett, I’m Dying Up Here. DID you see the size of the plaster Sharon dug out of her handbag on Tuesday’s ’Enders? It was “for my heels”, she pouted. Heels? Strewth. That wouldn’t fit a human foot. Trotters, maybe...
NEW booze categories: moderate, excessive, Adrian Chiles.
CHANNEL 4 tried to axe Bake Off innuendo, but couldn’t swing their choppers fast enough.
“What are you holding?” Kim-Joy asked Dan whose 3D biscuit selfie had him waving something pink and eye-wateringly large above his waist.
“A baby,” he replied. “Oh, I thought it was something else,” she muttered with a twinkle in her eye.
For damage limitation, Paul Hollywood claimed it looked like “a massive prawn”.
But she was probably thinking more of a slippery dick (a genuine fish – Google it, unbelievers.)
I still don’t get the nation’s love affair with Bake Off. I don’t mind the show, but if I never watched it again that would be great too.
Their old recipe of smut – a feast of soggy bottoms, moist cracks and good forkings – made it easier to swallow.
Without that, it’s just weak sketches and people we don’t know cooking stuff we can’t taste or smell, and probably shouldn’t eat without a ready supply of Email me at: garry.bushell@ dailystar.co.uk or write c/o Daily Star Sunday,
10 Lower Thames Street, London
EC3R 6EN insulin. It’s sugar junkie porn. Yes it’s warm and cosy, but do you really care? And if so, why?
This year’s contenders include two Indian guys, a gay dad and Manon from Brittany (as seen on The Box). It’s the Great Diversity Bake
Off now.
Naturally C4’s interpretation of inclusivity didn’t extend to Cockneys. A shame for the regional biscuit round as Peek Freans of Bermondsey gave the world the Garibaldi (in 1861) and the Bourbon (in 1910).
Not to mention the Golden Puff, almost certainly Mr Humphries’ favourite. No Scousers, Geordies, or Glaswegians either, although contenders came from Yorkshire.
Straight white working-class men are TV’s new untouchables.
Paul and Prue got the motley crew baking Wagon Wheels or “wheely four wagons” as Manon called them. Seriously? Who makes their own Wagon Wheels?
Imelda from Ulster was first out. Unlucky. She looked set to beat Terry until the jammy dodgy served up an impressive Brandy Snap selfie.
I’d bet on the Breton to win. Star baker Manon took the biscuit. But Ruby’s a cracker and Briony from Bristol might just p-p-p-pick up the prize.
BAKE Off mysteries: that monster zit on nuclear physicist Rahul’s face, is it radiation poisoning? Is Kim-Joy wearing a Groucho Marx nose and glasses set with the ’tache cut off ? THE greatest Bake Off innuendo? Nadiya on snake bread: “I’ve tried the snake loads of times and he just explodes. He’s enormous. After doing him six times the trick is to keep him small to begin with.” BODYGUARD gripped like The Hulk in a temper – a suicide bomber on a commuter train, an attempted hit on a senior politician, a foiled terror attack against a primary school...
Jed Mercurio’s script had more wild twists than Quasimodo’s braces.
Keeley Hawes stars as hawkish Home Secretary Julia Montague, a woman tougher than Adrian Chiles’ liver.
David Budd (Richard Madden) is the hero cop promoted to the role of her close protection officer. They got awfully close very quickly, apparently without any protection.
Cue soft focus, fully clothed sex (or as Jermaine Pennant would call it “just banter”).
Insert your own red box gag here.
“She’s got you wrapped around her finger,” said Budd’s boss, who didn’t know the half of it. The drama is part thriller, part feminist fantasy. The train guard, the police marksman, even the head of counterterrorism were all female.
Brooding Budd is tormented by his Army past and fractured home-life. In the eye of the storm, he is cool, courageous and entirely humourless.
There’s a leak at the Met, jihadists on the loose, and the lunatic hit-man was Budd’s ex-Army buddy who hated war-mongering MPs. It was so compelling you willingly forgave the plot-holes. JUSTIN Willman, Magic For Humans (Netflix) …Bodyguard and Keeley Hawes… Ruby Bhogal, right, Bake Off. CORRIE’S Jude, left,
– the biggest wet-blanket since Charlotte Crosby sprayed the sheets on CBB...Edinburgh Nights – mostly sh**e... whinging Miquita Oliver – she’s 34 going on 12. DANNY John-Jules’ “racism” jibe at Strictly was daft. Ore Oduba won his series; Colin Jackson came second; Alexandra Burke and Natalie Gumede were runners-up...Vick Hope won’t be the first out this year either. Racism sucks, but seeing prejudice where none exists is tedious. Nadiya Hussain recently told Loose Women “there’s no space for a 5ft brown girl who wears a headscarf” on TV. Surely not the same Nadiya Hussain who’s had BBC series since 2015? Nad’s had more exposure than any other Bake Off winner.
‘I might need a finger’
ON Upstart Crow, Ben Elton had Shakespeare say: “I’m not bald, I have a tall face.” Not as sharp as Clive Anderson’s original line: “I’m not bald, I’m just taller than my hair.”
SIX older stand-ups who should be on TV: Martin Beaumont, Adrian Walsh, Keith O’Keefe, Johnnie Casson, Mickey Pugh, Brian Higgins.