ITV serve up a festive turkey
CAMILLA Ainsworth was talking about spilling her almond nut product on The Apprentice when she said: J.Critchley of Cheshire wins £35 for that howler. Keep ’em coming to the address at the top of the page.
PIERS Morgan has been battling man-flu on Good Morning Britain. Headaches, nausea, a general feeling of malaise – that’s what you get from watching him.
DANNY Dyer’s mum was an English teacher. Odd that she never taught him what self-parody means.
TV comedy used to be as much of a Christmas Day tradition as crackers and carols.
Hilarious specials – Eric & Ernie, The Two Ronnies, Del Boy – were the highlight of the viewing year.
Now we just get any old tat with added tinsel. It’s a wonder ITV haven’t commissioned a Jeremy Kyle Xmas show with livid love-rats in party hats yelling: “Deck the halls? I’ll deck you!”
And kids screaming: “I saw mummy kissing Mrs Claus…”
ITV’s Best Christmas Ever didn’t even mention the telly, possibly because historically the BBC had all the plums while ITV served up the duff.
Alexander Armstrong presided over a lacklustre studio discussion of what makes the season so wonderful.
According to this drivelling mess, Britain’s favourite festive food is stuffing – turkey wasn’t even an option.
Yorkshire puddings were though – not Christmas ones, or mince pies. Faye Ripley plumped for pigs-in-blankets with added dates (we had “Eat Me” dates at home, but no-one ever did).
The studio audience’s votes were baffling. Had they been swigging eggnog…like the producers? There wasn’t Email me at: garry.bushell@ dailystar.co.uk or write c/o Daily Star Sunday,
10 Lower Thames Street, London
EC3R 6EN a single carol competing to be best Christmas song – ITV swerved religion entirely. What’s God got to do with it?
The Pogues’ poignant Fairytale Of New York beat White Christmas as the “ultimate” festive anthem. Hmm.
Prue Leith chose the distinctly un-festive Stay Another Day, the song Tony Mortimer wrote about his brother’s suicide. Monster Yuletide hits from Slade, Wizzard and Greg Lake weren’t in the running.
There was no discussion of heartwarming films like It’s A Wonderful Life, Miracle On 34th Street or A Christmas Carol. Mistletoe was probably banned on #MeToo grounds.
No room either for crackers, Nativity plays, mulled wine, The Queen’s Speech or pantomime.
In the 60s, BBC One screened pantos and circuses on Christmas Day, while BBC Two had opera and ballet. ITV had wrestling…
The biggest laughs came when Prue talked turkey. “What I like to do, which I don’t recommend unless you’re really keen on boning…” she said to Adam Thomas’ giggles.
Adding to his delight: “You can get your butcher to bone your turkey.” Not a pleasant image, but still more fun than elf-eared Armstrong mangling All I Want For Christmas Is You...
Best Christmas Ever? More like a sack of sh…allow seasonal dross. SPRINGSTEEN On Broadway, right, (Netflix)…Lenny Henry, The Long Song …Simon Callow, A Christmas Carol… Kevin Clifton & dazzling Dooley, Strictly. BEST Xmas Ever – worst show of the week… Romesh’s Look Back To The Future, left – jingle hell…David Baddiel singing – David Bad-Deal …Celebrity Call Centre – call it quits . FORGET First Dates – real sexual chemistry blossomed on Mary Berry’s oddly-named Christmas Party.
Awe-struck Mary admitted she was in bed by 10 every night to watch newsreader Huw Edwards.
She mentioned that he stands feet apart at the start of each bulletin, squeezed his bicep (“It’s very hard”), flashed a leg and said: “You’re just like my husband!” All we were short of was a “this just in” from Huw.
Get a room, guys. Or at least a larder. SPORTS Personality Of The Year – own goal after own goal…the god-awful version of Three Lions, the awkward fact that nothing came home, the Beeb blanking Ronnie O’Sullivan yet again. It should’ve been Cook not Anderson, & Froome not Thomas.
‘That must be good luck, being covered in nut juice before the biggest interview of your life’