Thick and thin return
NEXT week in soaps: death, betrayal, recriminations, heartbreak…have yourself a merry little Christmas.
Next year, a Pets At Home delivery lorry ploughs into Bridge Street market, bringing Walford a long-overdue plague of locusts. THE Love Islanders reunited to reminisce about their heady summer of romance. The couples had lasted slightly longer than a snowman in the Sahara. Sam had dumped Georgia for being “unloyal”. “I don’t believe I’ve got to say that word again,” he said. “Unloyal”. Me neither, mate – the word is disloyal. Winners Jack and Dani, the show’s great gift to rhyming slang, split up before the filming. Samira elbowed Frankie, and Ellie dumped cheating Charlie, whose late arrival was as welcome as a gift-wrapped turd. Hayley – the foxy moron who thought Brexit meant “we won’t have any trees” – is still as bright as a five watt bulb. She reckons the EU stands for “Espania, maybe”.
The lads were chanting “DBS” – Disinfect Before Shagging! Sorry, Do Bits Society. They can “do bits”, but not adult relationships.
Scottish stewardess Laura is still slightly scary – she wears enough slap to stock a Max Factor counter (and if Max were there, he would’ve Factor).
Remember Laura telling Paul she’d name their kids “Arabella and Theodore”? Set bunny to boil.
Harpo Marx lookalike Eyal rocked up – the drippy hippy who’d wanted to “find someone with depth”. Wrong show, pal.
The only question Love Island answered was Hayley’s “What does superficial mean?”.