Enough to make your skin crawl

Why was Cinderella such a bad football player? She had a pumpkin for a coach.

What did the woodcutter’s wife say to her husband this month? Not many chopping days left until Christmas.

GET ready for a pun-filled panto season in theatres up and down the nation.

As well as cries of “Oh no it isn’t!” and “Behind you!”, the traditional spectacle wouldn’t be complete without a pile of cheesy gags.

And this year there will be plenty of stars, including TV’s Scarlett

Why does Dick Whittington have a beard? Because eight out of 10 owners say their cat prefers whiskers.

Muddles in Mother Goose: “I went to the doctor, because I keep seeing things. One minute it’s Mickey Mouse, the next it’s Donald Duck. The doctor said, ‘How long have you been having these Disney spells?’”

JAMES MOORE

Who in Treasure Island has a parrot that cries, “Pieces of four, pieces of four”? Short John Silver.

Panto dame: “Every time I’m down in the dumps, I buy myself a new hat.” Cast member: “I wondered where you got them from.”

Dame: “I’m so tired. I can’t go any further. I’m absolutely knickered.” Buttons: “Do you mean knackered?” Dame: “No, knickered. My breath’s coming in short pants.”

IT looks like a field of shrubs – but this stunning image will leave many people bitten by the bug. The amazingly detailed macroscopic picture actually shows individual strands of leg hair on a tiny insect. Other photos reveal the bizarre alien-like eyes of bugs that are no bigger than a grain of rice. Keen snapper Javier Ruperez, who took them, said: “It is a technique that allows us to view an unknown world that we live amongst every day.”

Snow White: “How long does it take to burn a candle?” Dopey: “About a wick.”

Be careful of the baddie. He’s a magician – he could turn you into a prawn cocktail. And that’s just for starters.

An actor I know kept falling through the floor in panto. I think it was just a stage he was going through. What did Cinderella say when the developer lost her photographs? Some day my prints will come. What kind of pet does Aladdin have? A fly-ing carpet. Knock Knock. Who’s there? Wenceslas. Wenceslas who? Wenceslas train home? Moffatt and Paul O’Grady, delivering them on stage. Here, to whet your appetite, picks some classic gags… What’s beautiful, grey and wears glass slippers? Cinderellaphant. Buttons: “Have you put on weight? Dame: “Well, I’ve had a lot on my plate.” I used to have a job as a pantomime horse, but I quit while I was a head.