Today’s soaps are a washout
ANYONE who tittered when Celebrity MasterChef’s India Knight said, “Across the kitchen, Shyko’s nearly ready to plate,” should be ashamed of themselves.
CITV is bringing back How!, but without the traditional Native American greeting... in case it offends. The Comanche, Navajo, Apache, Seminole and Sioux folk scattered around the UK must be so relieved.
QUEEN Sono, inset (Netflix). Elvis: The Searcher (SkyDocs). Golden Girls re-runs. The Osbournes on Celeb Gogglebox USA. Ross Kemp, Sharongate.
EVERY man “wants his whore to be unhappy”, according to The Luminaries. Feminist claptrap! Haven’t they heard of The Happy Hooker?
THE British Soap Awards are as puzzling as Eva Green’s accent in The Luminaries.
Why do we care? They’re lightweight, always feel fixed and rarely reflect public opinion.
ITV’s 21st anniversary “special” reminded us June Brown was one of the few winners who has ever said anything funny.
“I didn’t even know this existed,” the Dot Cotton star said of her gong, adding: “My god wasn’t I awful at the beginning? Dear me. And those teeth...”
The show felt like a requiem for a dying genre. Yes, it was terrific to see Liz Dawn, John Bardon and all again.
But it reminded us the best-loved faces are dropping faster than ratings.
Our soaps, once so rich in humour and reality, have had the joy squeezed out of them by endless “issues”, stunts and unlikely disasters.
Take the award-winning scene when Janine Butcher killed Fat Barry on their wedding day in Scotland. It was a new spin on the Highland Games – she
Email me at: garry.bushell@ dailystar.co.uk or write c/o Daily Star Sunday, One Canada Square, London E14 5AP didn’t toss the caber, she pushed a p*llock down a hillock.
Like many of EastEnders’ “classic moments” it was nuts. She’d married Barry for his money, even though he obviously didn’t have any. And she turned on him because he’d got a health all-clear.
Bazza rang Dr Leroy for permission to bed his bride. Luckily, both the GP and his receptionist were still at the surgery – at ten past midnight on New Year’s Day! Janine had Barry cremated before the Old MacBill arrived. You’ve heard of the Kwik Fit Fitters, this was the Kwik-Fry Crem. On a Bank Holiday!
Over-pushed and under-funded, the soaps are caught in a spiral of bad writing and escalating misery.
They could use lockdown to bring back laughter and warm-hearted storylines. Don’t hold your breath.
PHIL Schofield said soaps “changed the way we think”. True. I used to think, “Oh good, Corrie’s on tonight”. Now it’s: “What’s new on Netflix?”
PERRY Mason and Tatiana Maslany, right (SkyAt)... Natalie Dormer, Penny Dreadful: City Of Angels... Das Boot finale.
FREUD, left (Netflix) – shrink shrunk... Batwoman – puts the ham in Gotham... The Luminaries – no light in this tunnel of sh*te... Maigret? – mais non.
LETITIA Dean said Enders “looked far and wide” to cast Sharon. They got the wide.