Lady Edith goes bumps-a-daisy

DAN Brown’s self-regard. ITV3 referring to “the village of Midsomer” – it isn’t a village, it’s an entire county. Absurd editing on Live At The Apollo showing folk in fits over lame jokes.

RUSSELL Brand turned up on Neighbours spouting cobblers and not getting any laughs. Same as normal then.

EACH Neighbours episode is shown twice a day, largely because nobody can quite believe how bad it was the first time.

PITY the unsuspecting Downton Abbey fan who stumbled across The Secrets That She Keeps.

For there was Lady Edith as bold as brass talking dirty on a laptop with Hayden, her sailor ex.

Poor Crawley. You’d expect that kind of wanton behaviour from Lady Mary, but not mousey Edith. There are parts of Mr Carson that haven’t stopped shaking.

Laura Carmichael plays Agatha, a troubled grocery shop worker who is faking pregnancy in this imported Aussie pot-boiler.

You’d feel sorry for Aggie, who lost a child at 32 weeks, if she wasn’t completely bonkers.

The woman is consumed with envy over middle-class Meghan, a heavily pregnant Sydney-based yummy

Email me at: garry.bushell@ dailystar.co.uk or write c/o Daily Star Sunday, One Canada Square, London E14 5AP mummy and blogger. In between sending vile messages – “Die, bitch, die!” – lurking in her bushes and toying with abducting Megs’ young son, Agatha plays mind games with her own ex-boyfriends.

She scams cash out of Hayden’s family with her fake pregnancy bump and hovers miserably by the edge of a cliff – risky for someone who is so clearly unbalanced.

Meghan’s life isn’t as perfect as it looks.

Her accidental third pregnancy – her “oops baby” – was fathered by husband Jack’s best friend Slimy Simon.

We see the pair cavort in a series of torrid slo-mo flashbacks. Blog that!

Meanwhile, TV sportscaster Jack has lost all interest in getting jiggy with his attractive missus.

Either he’s allergic to cashmere or he knows the kid’s not his. You wouldn’t be that surprised if he’d secretly had the snip. Everyone here is lying about something and everyone is cursed with entirely predictable plot twists. You probably guessed Agatha was faking her pregnancy. You probably won’t be surprised if she abducts the new tot as soon as Megs pops him out.

It’s pure hokum, but as long as they keep Dowager Countess Violet away from the webcam I’ll keep watching.

DARK Side Of The Ring (Vice)... Get Shorty, right (SkyAt) ... Cate Blanchett, Mrs America... OJ: Made In America (BT Sport).

CELEBRITY Snoop Dogs, left – poop show... The Secrets She Keeps – more tripe than Heys...

BBC Breakfast’s Sally Nugent asked comic Shazia Mirza: “How important is an audience to a comedian?” D’oh. Next week, Sal will be asking the crew of the International Space Station: “How important is your oxygen supply?”

NEW The Good Place (below). Terry & Mason’s Great Food Trip. The Battle Of Britain: 3 Days That Saved The Nation. Huey Morgan’s Latin Music (BBC4). Porridge repeats (Yesterday).