Simply the best for BRIT awards

THE BRITS have axed males and females. What? Help! Oh, I see.

What I meant to say was that the BRIT Awards have axed male and female categories… that’s more like it.

So, will the winner simply be known just as Best – or, as Tina Turner once said, Simply The Best?

It all sounds awfully confusing, but it should at least make the laborious ceremony 40 minutes shorter – and that’s got to be a bonus.

Awards can be fun to host. I’ve done a few over the years, including one for the spectacles

industry. On that night, I didn’t dare ask the question, “Guess who I bumped into in Specsavers?” Of course, the answer would be: “Everyone.” I was pulled over by the police one night last week.

The cop said that at my age I should be wearing glasses. I replied: “I have contacts.” But he replied: “I don’t give a monkey’s who you know, put your glasses on.” In the end, and just so I could get on my way, I promised him that from now on I would wear glasses when driving, especially on these winter nights when it gets dark so early.

He asked me where I was going and what I was up to that evening, so I told him: “I’m on my way to the cinema and then out for some food and then straight home to get my glasses. Then we’ll see.”

My mum is almost 92 and still doesn’t need glasses. She says she prefers to drink straight from the bottle and she never spills a drop!

There’s a sign at my local that says no glasses in the loos. That explains why my aim is somewhat off target.

When I used to work in a glasses factory, I was warned to be on my best behaviour at all times… and never make a spectacle of myself.