NEW NO.9, ‘Wreck-It’ Ralf out-Foxed
IF Bruno Fernandes was the answer, then what was the question?
Perhaps Manchester United’s interim boss Ralf Rangnick canvassed opinion in the dressing room before kick-off while Cristiano Ronaldo took to his bed at home with a Lemsip.
“Right lads, Cristiano has got the flu, so who wants to pretend to be our striker this week?”
If Marcus Rashford stuck his hand up he must have been ignored, because the England reject found himself stuck on the bench.
From there he had a front row seat to watch Fernandes, with a little help from Paul Pogba, perform a hopeless impersonation of a genuine No.9.
It speaks volumes for how far Rashford’s stock has now fallen that even when Ronaldo and Edinson Cavani (again) are missing, he still can’t get into this team.
No one at United needs a new boss more than him. Having had two weeks to impress Rangnick on the training pitch after being ignored by Gareth Southgate, he still can’t make the team.
Rashford’s mood must have turned into dark embarrassment as it dawned on him that his German boss preferred to risk some humiliation of his own and go with two midfielders in attack.
At least Fernandes was talking a good game. When he wasn’t missing the best chance of the first half, he spent the rest of it pointing, shouting and complaining at whoever was willing to listen.
When United revealed Fernandes had been handed a bumper new deal last week, football director John Murtough lavished praise on someone who is expected to become the team’s talisman.
“Bruno’s work rate, dedication and fantastic attitude are exactly what we want from a Manchester United player. He is the ultimate professional,” crowed Murtough.
It took Fernandes less than 20 seconds to hit the deck, before getting up and rubbing his head, following a robust
challenge from a Leicester opponent. Moments later he was looking at Pogba in sheer frustration after the Frenchman failed to anticipate his pass and a promising move came to nothing.
He then stood in the centre circle with a face like thunder after Scott McTominay drilled a piercing crossfield ball straight into the crowd.
Fernandes and Pogba were switching between the false nine and 10 positions.
These two muppets resembled the Chuckle Brothers dressed in replica kits.
But there was nothing to laugh about at Old Trafford, trust me.
It took a rare mistake from Wesley
Fofana to provide United with their first real chance. But when Fred sent Fernandes through on goal, he failed to beat Kasper Schmeichel.
Moments later, Youri Tielemans caught him late and was booked.
There wasn’t much in the challenge, but Fernandes’ reaction made sure that referee Andre Marriner had no choice but to bring out the yellow card.
He was also the first and last to be in Marriner’s ear when McTominay did well to escape a red card after going through James Maddison with a crude, studs-up tackle.
If he could just spend as much time on the ball as he does hassling officials, then United would have one less problem to worry about.
It took Rangnick, or “Wreck-It” as he’s now become known, almost an hour to realise his experiment hadn’t worked and was never going to. To fathom out it had failed in such spectacular fashion he had no choice but to send Rashford on. Desperate times and all that.
But when Fernandes jumped out of a 50-50 with Kiernan Dewsbury-Hall as United looked to counter, the Foxes produced one of their own to take the lead through Kelechi Iheanacho.
In the end it was left to someone with just three goals all season to rescue United, in the shape of Fred.
But in truth not even this could spare their blushes – and no one had redder cheeks than Fernandes.