Hot Dutch girls follow the Van

EVEN hardcore murder mystery addicts must be bored witless by ITV’s endless barrage of two-hour detective shows.

They’re such dull slogs that most make the Tory leadership clashes seem like Frost/Nixon.

But at least Van der Valk is educational. Who knew young, fit Dutch women were so turned on by surly 50-something blokes in leather jackets?

Piet, our glum plod hero, only has to turn up to turn heads.

In one bar, he had three beauties after him. Sensibly he blew out the two youngsters, who looked like they’d come with a price tag, to enjoy a thorough check-up with wholesome older nurse Lena.

Amsterdam’s symbol is “XXX” – and not because so many of the clubs are triple X-rated either. The script claimed they represent the three old dangers facing the city – flood, fire and Black Death (an urban myth, but go with it).

The fiendish serial killer carved them on the corpses of his victims, whose unusual murders were theatrically staged to mirror the dangers.

Because he wanted to be caught, he also left cryptic riddles in or around their bodies. Hmm. The killer, the hippy son of displaced fairground owners, linked his crimes to 17th Century Dutch philosopher Spinoza.

It was all a convoluted protest against corporate greed, I think – I’d nodded off by the end.

The high point was the local paper calling him the “Golden Buzzer Killer” because his suicide vest triggered a Britain’s Got Talent-style cascade of yellow ticker-tape, left.

You’d hope it doesn’t encourage one of our racier TV channels to commission Britain’s Got Psychos. They’ve done worse. The biggest crime was ITV ruining the classic theme tune, Eye Level by the Simon Park Orchestra. DON’T get nostalgic. Barry Foster’s Piet was never much cop. An “astute observer”, he failed to spot that his wife Arlette’s head changed three times over four series...