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SOMEBODY has just turned up at Fowler Towers and taken away my car. I’m not happy.

It was a fantastic Infiniti Q50 with a 405hp twin turbo engine that went like a rocket.

Well no wonder you’re unhappy, I hear you say. Who’d want to give up a car like that? Yes, I see what you mean, but that’s not the reason I’m more than a bit fed-up.

I’d agreed with Infiniti to keep the car for an extra week longer than we’d first agreed, so Infiniti ignored that and their driver turned up a week early at 4 o’clock in the afternoon to snatch it back, even though I’d originally arranged to have it collected early in the morning.

So where was I when the driver called me on my mobile to ask where I was? On the golf course, quite rightly. That’s where you’ll always find me when I’m not working.

Well it’s gone now, and I miss it. Not because it’s left me without a car, but because it was so bloody fast. I mean 0-62mph in 5.1s!

Honestly, the quickest way to put a smile on Motormouth’s face is to give him a lunatic machine. Now you’d think that driving an Infiniti would be the quickest way to put a scowl on my face rather than a smile.

Why? Well Nissan’s posh end of the car market hasn’t exactly been an overwhelming success since it launched in Britain eight years ago.

For year after year we’ve had expensive flops that are a nightmare to drive and don’t deserve to wear a posh badge in the same way that Lexus is the upmarket name for a Toyota. Don’t believe me? How many cars have you seen with an Infiniti badge? Exactly, none.

I must admit I thought Infiniti had turned the corner when I drove the gorgeous and exceedingly well mannered Q30 last April. It was so good looking and beautiful to look at I couldn’t believe that prices started at less than £23,000.

Trouble was, it didn’t do a lot for me in terms of mild excitement, never mind thrills. That’s what you get, though, if you’re looking for a grandad’s car. The Q50 is just the opposite and it owes its thrills to a mighty pair of turbo-chargers backed up by a water-powered intercooler to keep the air and petrol mixture cold and therefore quicker to explode when you set fire to it.

The Q50 certainly set fire to my emotions when I first jumped on the loud pedal. I couldn’t believe how fast it was but, having previously been fooled into believing that an Infiniti would possess some handling power to match its might I waited for it to start sliding around and doing its best impression of dancing on ice.

It didn’t happen. Yes, you’ll get some scary wheel spin, especially in the wet, from its rear-wheel-drive set-up, but it’s absolutely fine, especially as you’ll find yourself charging around at speeds which won’t amuse Pc Gotcha and his gang.

So yes, as an out and out tearaway hooligan the Q50 more than meets its targets, but, hang on, isn’t this supposed to be an upmarket luxury brand? Yes it is, and on that score, too, the Q50 does extremely well.

All the cossetting kit you expect comes as standard, including a fantastic Bose sound system along with lots of leather and silver trim.

If someone could just cure its weird “adaptive climate control” system that meant one minute you were boiling, the next freezing, and dump its annoying cathedral-like symphony of warning buzzers then it wouldn’t just be a good car, it would be a great one.

As it is, though, it’s utterly useless, and that’s purely because it’s not here any more.