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MY new boyfriend has already asked me to give up my life and move in with him.
He wants me to quit my job, put my cash into a joint account and be his “soul mate”, as he puts it.
I’ve always loved make-up, high heels and sexy clothes, but he’s admitted that he prefers the toneddown look, i.e. bare face, flat shoes and shapeless tracksuits.
I’m in my mid-30s and haven’t had a serious relationship in a very long time, so I’m flattered he’s so interested in me, but my mates tell me that he’s too much.
I introduced him to everyone at a family party and no-one liked the way he kept snogging me. I thought it was sexy – it was dangerous and showed that he cared – but others disagreed and my best mate stomped off in disgust.
Should I be worried about his intensity?
MY girlfriend swears she’ll harm herself if I leave.
She’s frightening me. I’ve been trying to end this wornout relationship for more than a year.
Yet every time I suggest a full and final break-up, she finds a way of drawing me in again.
First her mum was ill, then her dad and finally her job was in jeopardy.
But now I’ve had enough of her stories and just need to be free, only she won’t let me go.
The other night we had a terrific row during which she said she would “flip out” if I left her. When I asked her to explain she spat she was prepared to do anything in order to rescue our relationship.
Pushed
Naturally I pushed her and asked: “You wouldn’t do anything stupid would you?” to which she replied: “Very possibly”. Now I feel responsible and generally terrible.
The problem is that she’s convinced that I’m still in love with my ex-partner and would go straight back to her given half the chance.
This is just not true as I haven’t seen or heard from my ex for over three years, but my girl has such a hatred for my ex that she can’t let it lie.
I no longer wish to have sex with my girl. I keep telling her that I don’t fancy her. But she just won’t leave me alone and more than once recently I’ve given her a “sympathy shag” just to shut her up. This is not the life I wish to lead. She’s obsessed with every aspect of my last relationship. Was my ex a better lover? Were her boobs bigger? Was she more adventurous in bed?
Once we had an enormous fight during which she screamed all this terrible stuff about harming me and herself. Then she started punching herself.
She drew blood and was crazy. How do I get out of here without causing mayhem?
JANE SAYS: You can’t let him overwhelm you.
I understand you love having a man in your life, but your reports of his intensity scare me too. He’s too full-on.
In a few short weeks, he’s decided he wants to take over your life. If you move in with him, he’ll have total control.
I hate the idea of you giving up your job and your financial freedom, because these give you independence.
Start seeing him for the control freak he is. Listen to your friends and family and be strong. I can tell that you’re having doubts.
Listen to that little voice that’s telling you he’s more trouble than he’s worth. JANE SAYS: I understand that your girlfriend is super keen to keep you. But if your relationship is dead, if you wish to be free, then she has no right to lay any amount of emotional blackmail at your door.
She needs to hear that you are an individual with feelings and plans of your own. You and she aren’t joined at the hip and you’re not obliged to stick around.
Of course you don’t mean to be unkind or cruel, but this relationship is over and you WILL be moving on. Any immature talk of “harm” or revenge is both insulting and beneath her.
It’s not a case of you winning and her losing because not all relationships go the distance. Point out that she crosses a line whenever she mentions hurting herself and you.
The girl needs professional help. She needs to see her GP about her mood swings, instability and feelings of inadequacy.
Could you also speak to her close friends or family?
Tell her that everything has gone too far. You are leaving, you are moving on and you refuse to feel guilty about that.
It’s a shame that things have come to this, but life is too short for any kind of nonsense.