:_\XkËj Z_`c[ `j efn dp Yli[\e
DFK?<I ALJK JF LJ<C<JJ Cfm\iËj X gcXjk`Z [`jXjk\i
MY bloke wants me to take on looking after his lover’s baby.
I found out six months ago that she had given birth.
He claims that they’re no longer in a proper relationship because she’s not well and struggling to cope.
He’s not ruled out being reunited with her in the future and mutters I should “just get used to it”.
By that he means that I have to accept that he’s a free spirit and maverick who I’ll never pin down. Lucky old me.
Look, I love kids and I’m always happy to help out my sisters and friends, but I just think this is an ask too far.
Freedom
Yes, I already have five and one more won’t make much difference as my Mum lives with me and pitches in.
But how is this other child anything to do with me?
My youngest is 11 and about to start secondary school in September. As far as I’m concerned, this is the start of my time now.
I want holidays, nights out, fun and freedom. I can’t get over my bloke’s betrayal (for which he’s shown no remorse), yet he’s attempting to make me look bad for being uncharitable.
He keeps trying to flatter me by saying that the kid’s only chance in life is me. Of course I’d make a good job of bringing him up, but it’s not my problem.
People who know his lover’s family warn me to be careful. They say that she’s nothing but trouble and that if I open my door to her I’ll never hear the end of it. There will be dramas and crises, because that’s what she’s like.
That said, I do feel sorry for the little baby, because none of this is his fault. How do I put my foot down without appearing the cruellest woman in the world?
JANE SAYS: I too feel very sorry for the poor, vulnerable little baby.
Anything that happens to him from now on must be done with his best interests at heart.
Yes, your on/off bloke is the father, but is he mature or responsible enough? Should social services be involved if the mother is ill and struggling to cope?
Whatever happens, don’t allow anyone to flatter, cajole or even bully you into doing something that your heart isn’t in.
As you say yourself, you’ve done your child-rearing.
I get the impression that your partner is a strong individual who usually gets his own way by simply bulldozing his way forward.
It’s not in his nature to apologise or explain, because he expects everyone else to fall in with his wishes. But there’s no getting away from the fact that he has let you down. Presumably you thought that you were in a longterm relationship.
You assumed that you were the only woman sharing his bed.
Be strong, turn to your friends and family for support and reclaim your independence.
Above all, trust your instincts. If getting involved with your partner’s lover and her family doesn’t seem right, then steer clear. Think about your limitations and look after yourself.
You won’t be any good to anyone at all if you’re exhausted and over-stressed.