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MY long-term lover refuses to acknowledge me as his partner.
Even though we regularly sleep together and he insists he’s not interested in making love to anyone else, I’m still not allowed to announce that we’re an item.
When we go out socially, we keep up the pretence that we’re “just good friends”. He knows how much this upsets me, but maintains that he simply isn’t ready to publicly admit to a full-time relationship.
We’ve been together for many years and I know that friends laugh about us behind our backs.
One friend describes him as a commitment phobe, which I do think sums him up.
How do I make 2017 the year he finally acknowledges me?
I HAD sex with one of my colleagues in a hotel room at a conference – now he’s blanking me.
I don’t know where I stand. A load of us had been drinking in the bar when he came back to my room for a nightcap.
I admit that we were both very merry. When I suggested he get into bed with me he was more than willing. The sex was fantastic but when I awoke in the morning he was gone.
Back at work I asked if we could meet up for a proper date, but he stunned me by saying he had no memory of our encounter and I must have imagined it.
Naturally I pushed him on the matter. I reminded him we’d made love three times, that he’d said he was planning to dump his long-term partner because he’d always fancied me.
Flirting
But he wouldn’t have it, he just kept repeating: “You’ve got it all wrong”. Now I don’t know what to do. I know I’m not mad. I know what happened that night.
He was definitely flirting with me down in that hotel bar and I was very flattered and willing.
I wanted him to make love to me and I was thrilled when he agreed to come to my room.
I can’t believe he’s now denying our amazing night of love.
There is no way he was that drunk, he was bright and funny and certainly didn’t suffer from brewer’s droop. He told me I was beautiful, sexy and hot. All I want is to be treated with respect.
I need him to acknowledge me and to be my boyfriend. Why is he lying when he knows how much he made me scream and precisely what went on between us?
JANE SAYS: I hate the idea of you being humiliated and shunned by this man.
The fact is that every time he denies you, another little piece of your self-worth falls away.
I don’t see how spending time in his company is doing your confidence any good.
Talk to him again today. How much more time does he need to decide whether you’re the one?
It could be that he’s thoroughly unpleasant and enjoys being controlling and contrary.
If he really won’t give you the commitment you crave, then maybe 2017 needs to be the year you finally show him the door. JANE SAYS: It sounds like your colleague is suffering from a huge dose of guilt.
There’s no doubt in my mind that he is back-tracking furiously – and lying through his teeth – because he’s full of remorse and is terrified that his long-term partner is going to give him hell.
During the night in question you were both drunk and randy.
You were away from home and feeling no pain. You and he fell together in a passionate embrace and now he’s horribly embarrassed and full of regret.
I urge you to forget the whole thing and walk away. If this is the way he rolls then he’s not worth bothering with.
The bottom line is that you were a willing partner in the sex you enjoyed; you hoped it would lead to something more, but the guy isn’t to be trusted.
Tempting as it might be to make a big fuss, I’d keep your head down and get on with your work.
Many companies these days frown upon any kind of officebased relationship. What might your boss think of the two of you playing around during a working weekend?
Especially if your firm paid for your hotel rooms.
Also, there’s the matter of his long-term partner, I can’t imagine you’d want to get into any kind of row or feud with her.
Chalk this evening down to experience, check your drinking, consider your sexual health (i.e. always make sure you use condoms) and be more professional in future.