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I HAVEN’T had sex for five years and I’m terrified about getting back in the saddle.
As a younger woman I was slim, sexy and confident.
But then a horrible, controlling boyfriend abused me and crushed my confidence. I was plunged into a deep depression.
I went to live on my sister’s farm in Canada where I threw myself into the land. Now, after a lot of therapy, I feel a lot better.
I sense I’ve got my sex drive back, but the prospect of being intimate with a man again is terrifying.
Kinky sex acts are now the norm.
What if I’m not adventurous enough for a new man? What if he hates my body?
I dread the idea of getting naked in front of anyone.
I’M getting nothing out of sex with my married lover.
I can’t help thinking that he’s simply using me for his own pleasure.
He loves sex outdoors. We’ve got into the habit of going out in his car a couple of times a week. We pull up in a particular car park and romp on the back seat.
It’s a popular dogging spot. He puts his hand on my knee and says, “How about it?”, and then we have steamy, grunty sex. It’s really weird.
He never says he loves me or fancies me and I don’t call him darling. I don’t even know if we’re spotted or watched by the doggers because I always keep my eyes shut until the dirty deed is done.
Revolting
Then he drives me home and I go to bed and have a little cry. This has been going on for about six months now and I don’t really know where we’re headed.
I’m in my mid-20s and generally like sex. I haven’t had a real boyfriend in a long time and get quite lonely. My lover isn’t revolting, but I don’t particularly fancy him either.
None of my friends know about him because I can’t take him out (his wife might see) and I suppose he’s what you’d call my guilty secret.
I actually know his wife quite well. She and I used to work together for a large retailer. She’s a prize bitch who once accused me of stealing stock. While I was working with her she had an on-going fling with a sales rep that ended badly when his wife caught them snogging in a local wine bar. That’s why I have no guilt about it. In some ways he’s quite handy. Yet, my life still feels generally vacant and unfulfilled.
JANE SAYS: It’s wonderful that you’ve re-emerged and that you’re feeling attractive and strong again.
It may seem as though the dating goalposts have moved, but you’re an experienced, mature woman and you must make your own rules.
Despite what you might read or hear, kinky sex is by no means the norm. You have to remember what your standards are and stick to them.
Besides, the guys you find yourself attracted to will probably be just as terrified about dating as you are.
Book yourself in for a few beauty treatments if you think they’ll help to boost your confidence, and vow to be yourself. JANE SAYS: What a sorry tale of soulless sex.
You claim that making out with your lover is “quite handy” but it’s not healthy. You mean nothing to each other and are not even verbally intimate.
What you have is sneaky, sordid and very grubby. While you’re fumbling on the back seat of his car, his wife is back at home doing her Sudoku or looking at cat videos online. Then you get home for a sob and he probably goes on to have sex with her too. Nice.
Is this guy using you? Yes, he’s certainly taking advantage of the situation.
But you’re a willing partner and you’re using him too, so you’re as bad as each other.
Remember that his wife may be, in your opinion, an unpleasant person, but she is married to him.
How are you ever going to find someone of your own while you’re wasting time fumbling in a car park? Talking of which, I think you can be pretty sure that you are watched and ogled by doggers if the place he takes you to is a popular dogging site.
How do you feel about that? Someone could be taking photographs and recognise you. Wake up and accept that this is a sad way to live.
Start making a proper life of your own. Meet people of your own age and have healthy sex with someone you love and who loves you too.
You may not feel great but you have everything going for you.