SEX with my former husband never really set me on fire.
Yes, he was always keen, gentle and thoughtful. And yes, I did orgasm, but I didn’t exactly scream the bedroom down.
I split from him because I thought I could do better. He was devastated when I walked out, but I didn’t give him a backward glance.
I’ve since dated several men, but I can’t find my Mr Right. Now I’m beginning to think I made the biggest mistake of my life.
He has gone on to marry again and I’m at a loose end. Was I wrong to expect perfection? Is it foolish of me to crave a brilliant sex life?
MY wife wants an open marriage. She says that we’ve become stale and complacent.
She believes that introducing other lovers into our lives will make us sparky, relevant and exciting again.
I’m nervous and don’t know if I agree. She openly admits that she already has a guy in mind that she’d like to get closer to.
He is someone from her singing group. Apparently he’s divorced, funny and attractive.
All the women she sings with fancy him too, but he’s singled her out to take things further and she’s both flattered and super-keen.
When I complain, she says she doesn’t know why I’m making a fuss, because I’m perfectly entitled to play around too.
We’ve been married for 10 years and I had no idea something like this would ever crop up.
I don’t know of any other women I’d like to sleep with and I’m not interested in going down the tacky hook-up app route.
My best mate joined a dating agency after his wife died and he ended up getting fleeced out of £10,000.
Suddenly my wife is saying that she’s a very physical person with a lot of sexual energy to release.
She insists life is short and none of us knows what fate has in store. Therefore, she intends to play the field.
She longs to sleep around with this guy and anyone else who catches her eye. I feel humiliated and shocked. She claims my problem is that I’m too old-fashioned and hung up on out-dated ideas.
Well so what? What if I am a traditionalist who thinks a wife should be faithful and sleep only with her husband?
JANE SAYS: Of course you should have standards and dreams, but sexual relationships have to be worked at.
You can’t sleep with a person and decide he’s a washout based on one or two encounters.
Couples need to communicate what it is they like. Stop looking backwards and focus on building love and friendship with the next person you’re attracted to. Keep sex off the agenda until you and he feel a real connection.
Then have fun really getting to know each other in bed. As for your ex-husband, it’s a pity you didn’t make more of an effort to connect with him, especially as he was gentle and thoughtful.
But that was then and this is now. If he’s moved on and is happy with someone new, you have to mentally wish him well and learn from any mistakes you may have made. JANE SAYS: After 10 years of marriage, your wife has decided that it’s time to spread her wings.
Whether she’s having some kind of mid-life crisis or is simply bored of your relationship, suggesting an open marriage sounds pretty extreme.
Clearly she’s not the person you thought she was. Start talking to her about what how she’s feeling and don’t stop until you know exactly where she’s coming from.
Is this announcement her clumsy way of admitting that she’s already started sleeping with her singing maestro?
Why isn’t she prepared to put more time and effort into your marriage to revitilise and fix that?
Where does the idea of an open marriage come from?
What you can’t do is persuade yourself to be swept along with her new plan, only to be left high and dry down the line. Stick to your principles and don’t allow her to browbeat you or bully you into doing anything you’re not comfortable with.
Would you both benefit from speaking to a third party – perhaps a relationship counsellor – about the problems you’re having?
Alternatively, do you need to give each other space with one of you moving out for a while?
A holiday away, where you can both simply exhale and chat might be another idea.
Don’t give up until you’ve exhausted all possibilities.