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OUR 27-year-old daughter is a very hard person to like.
My husband and I have always found her utterly selfish and unscrupulous.
Over the years she’s fallen out with everyone from friends and family members to employers and neighbours.
Too many times we’ve had to clean up her mess behind her (sometimes paying people off too).
Now she’s said that she is marrying a widower. We’ve met this chap and he’s lovely, but we can’t help worrying that our girl is ultimately going to rip him off and destroy his life.
This man lives in a fantastic house, has a holiday villa and a lot of disposable income. We’ve tried to gently warn him off, but he’s besotted.
TWO years ago I helped a friend in need. She had massive debts and was about to lose her rented flat and all of her belongings.
I had just inherited some money from my late uncle and gave her a substantial sum.
She was very grateful, but I never imagined that she would come back for more. Now she’s embarrassing me by asking for the same amount again.
This time she wants me to underwrite a loan as well as give her cash. I’m very unhappy and feel put-upon.
What gets me is that she and I have only spoken twice since the last time I saved her bacon.
Prayers
How come I’m the first person she turns to when things are bad? How has she got herself into this kind of state again so quickly?
She obviously thinks I’m the answer to her prayers. I’ve suggested she speak to her family or other friends, but she claims I’m her only hope.
My boyfriend says I must have mug written all over me and that I was a fool to help her out the first time around.
Currently, she’s ringing and texting me several times a day. I can feel the pressure mounting and she’s making me anxious.
Why are her financial woes my worry when I have bills and responsibilities of my own?
But, equally, how can I say “no” to her when she knows exactly how much my uncle left to me when he died? Two nights ago we had an awkward chat during which she implied that if I don’t cough up soon, then she might be forced to “do something stupid”.
I couldn’t have that on my conscience. Why is she doing this to me? What did I do to deserve this burden of responsibility?
JANE SAYS: You may not understand your daughter, but she’s an adult and so is her lover.
It could be that this experienced chap knows exactly what your girl is like, but is willing to forgive her anything because he adores her anyway.
Perhaps these days are the most exciting and happiest he’s ever known and he isn’t interested in putting a price on love?
The reality is that you’re never going to change your girl and the more you interfere the more likely she is to push you away.
Stop judging and second-guessing and get on with your lives.
I strongly suspect that if anyone needs your opinion or your input they’ll ask for it. JANE SAYS: Your inheritance is not an untapped gold mine to be plundered by all and sundry.
I presume your uncle left you that money to pay off your own debts and set you up for life. Just because you chose to help out this needy friend the last time around, doesn’t mean that you’re obliged to do it again.
You’ve got to be firm and politely tell her you cannot help. It’s not a matter of being mean, uncharitable or stubborn.
She has to understand that you are not open for business and she needs to find another way.
Is she getting all the benefits she might be entitled to? Should she be speaking to her local benefits office about her income?
Explain that she can also get debt advice and information on budgeting from the governmentfunded nationaldebtline.org or by ringing 0808 808 4000.
Sadly, if she continues to hound or harass you, then you and your partner will have to start getting tough with her.
Hopefully it won’t come to that, but if she continues to call you, you may have to say you’ll speak to the police.
Will your friendship survive this latest onslaught?
I don’t think it will. I feel it’s time to let this woman go and start thinking about yourself from now on. A little self-preservation is needed.