HOW TICKLED WE WERE
“I HAVEN’T spoken to my mother-inlaw for 18 months. I don’t like to interrupt her.” “Men’s legs have a lonely life – standing in the dark in your trousers all day.” “It’s 10 years since I went out of my mind. I’d never go back.” “The trouble with Freud is that he never played the Glasgow Empire on a Saturday night after Rangers and Celtic had both lost.” “You think you can get away, but you can’t. I’ll follow you home and I’ll shout jokes through your letterbox” – when he was still going strong at a show as it approached midnight. “I’ve seen a topless lady ventriloquist. Nobody has ever seen her lips move.” “Do I believe in safe sex? Of course I do. I have a handrail around the bed.” “It’s a privilege to be asked to play here tonight on what is a very special anniversary. It is 100 years to the night since that balcony collapsed” – addressing people in The Gods at a provincial theatre. “The French didn’t object to British beef in 1940.” “Honolulu – it’s got everything: sand for the children, sun for the wife, sharks for the wife’s mother.” “Age doesn’t matter, unless you are a cheese” – approaching his 80th birthday. “Doctor: ‘How old are you?’ ‘I’m approaching 50.’ ‘From which direction?”’ “How do you make a blonde laugh on a Sunday? Tell her a joke on a Wednesday.” “How many men does it take to change a toilet roll? Nobody knows. It’s never been tried.” “55 years in showbusiness, ladies and gentlemen. That’s a hell of a long time to wait for a laugh.” “Tonight when you get home, put a handful of ice cubes down your wife’s nightie and say: ‘There’s the chest freezer you always wanted.’” “My act is very educational. I heard a man leaving the other night saying: ‘Well, that taught me a lesson.’” “My dad knew I was going to be a comedian. When I was a baby, he said: ‘Is this a joke?’” “I used to think I was marvellous in bed until I discovered that all my girlfriends suffered from asthma.” “An official went to ask my big Auntie Nellie to come off the beach because the tide was waiting to come in.” “I told the Inland Revenue I didn’t owe them a penny because I lived near the seaside.” “In the 1800s, one of the MPs decided to introduce tax. In those days it was 2p in the pound. I thought it still was.” “Good evening, my name is Kenneth Arthur Dodd, singer, photographic playboy and failed accountant.” When asked by the trial judge what it felt like to have £100,000 in a suitcase in his attic, Dodd replied: “The notes are very light my lord.”