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YAY, the World Cup kicks off tomorrow.
The perfect excuse to slump in front of the box, glugging beer and eating your own body weight in takeaways.
Aside from the fact Robbie sodding Williams is singing at the opening ceremony (c’mon, England fans have enough to cope with) most of us can’t wait for it to start.
The build-up has gone on longer than the weeks of guff before Ginge and Meg’s wedding.
I now feel I know more about Russian hooligans, hookers and heatwaves than I ever even knew possible.
I’ve also been force-fed every single statistic about the England squad’s WAGs. Most of whom appear to have been with their men since their schooldays. So, last year then.
Captain Harry Kane and his better half, personal trainer Katie, were even pictured as 11 and 12-year-olds at a football academy.
Hopefully they were taking soccer rather than relationship guidance from the ace they were photographed with. One David Beckham esquire.
I even know the longsuffering fiancée of Raheem Sterling, former JD Sports assistant Paige Milian, would rather shop in Primark than Harvey Nicks. The fact she uttered this “keeping it real” tosh while wearing Gucci shoes is a moot point.
The girls are all keen to point out that they are nothing like the perma-tanned, fake of tooth, hair and breasts hussies who followed the England team out to Baden Baden for the 2006 World Cup.
Which brings us neatly on to Chief WAG Becky Vardy who at 36 (though some of her is much younger, see above) is the mummy of the girl squad. She’ll be supporting her £140,000-a-week man in Russia. Well she would, wouldn’t she? Get a lot of fake tan for that amount of dosh.
If Mrs Vardy is queen WAG then Ruby Mae (Dele Alli’s lover) is the princess.
She works as a social media influencer. Which I think means she posts pictures of herself on social media. Oh, and she’s got 32C natural boobs. Yes, you really do need to know that, don’t you?
Perhaps the most fascinating (it’s irony folks, honest) thing about these girls though is the patently false story of the relationship Kyle Walker and his girlfriend Annie Kilner allegedly had with a dog. Back in 2015 the right back had to deny an explicit, um, “heavy petting” tape leaked on the web was anything to do with him and Annie. Gave a whole new meaning to getting a Staffy, that’s for sure. Meanwhile, sales of the official World Cup referee doll are booming because she appears to be blowing more than a whistle; our boys will flop if they spend too much time playing computer game Fortnite and a psychologist has had to teach Russian train conductors to smile because they’re miserable.
One thing I was marginally interested in was the fact that both the BBC and ITV will feature female commentators and experts. A much-needed and belated step forward for the game.
I even know that “our boys” will be fired up by a special brand of herbal tea called mate or something. Oh, and midfielder Fabian Delph swears by meditation and giving up red meat. Sigh. Pretty sure I once read somewhere that Bobby Moore used to enjoy a beer at half time. Don’t make ’em like that any more.
Final word goes to Gareth Southgate who told the squad to: “Send the country to work happy. Be proud.” Failing any of that just practise those damn penalties.