IMAGE RATING
YOU’VE got to admit it... there’s something about the word Jaguar that demands instant respect.
If someone arranged to meet you, and their final words were: “OK, I’ll pick you up in the Jag,” you’d be guaranteed to feel a little tingle of excitement.
You’d be hoping for a new F-Type or maybe an old XJ-6, but imagine that instead your friend turned up in this, a blue Jaguar that’s colour is so in-yerface, so dazzling in all the wrong ways, you couldn’t fail to be disappointed.
It’s called Caesium Blue Metallic and while it’s a great colour, it’s just not right except, maybe, for an E-Type.
That was supposed to shock and it did, in pretty much any colour. Blimey, you could even choose a Lemon Yellow paintjob, but that has to be the only exception, because it looked awful.
You expect your Jag to arrive in British Racing Green, with the Queen sitting in the back seat being driven to your door by a Wing Commander who shoots down other pilots for fun.
Wine red is another great colour, the old XJ6 looked absolutely fantastic in it, while charcoal or simply black suits Jaguars too.
But Caesium Blue Metallic? Sorry, it’s far too gaudy for a posh Jaguar. It makes it look like it’s been selected by a schoolboy. I was really looking forward to spending a week in the E-Pace. I was going to pretend to be “someone in the City” or maybe a high flying surgeon on his way to do a heart job in an emergency operating theatre.
But no, instead I was a second rate, second division footballer with the taste to match.
I’ve never had so many people ask me “what’s it like” as if I was going to say: “Just look at it. That tells you all you need to know,” but that’s where the E-Pace defied its tawdry appearance by being absolutely fantastic.
I really, really liked it despite turning up at the shops looking like a lighthouse on a canal. Its interior is remarkably posh, with a mix of thick, soft-touch black trim and silver, making it feel like the refined place to be that it really is.
On the practical side, there’s a 2ft 6in deep boot with extra storage under the carpet and the whole thing extends to five feet deep with the rear seatbacks folded flat.
That makes the E-Pace a sensible alernative to the F-Pace in the same way that the Audi Q5 is quite big enough without turning your windows dark by parking a monstrous Q7 outside your house. Big, but not too big.
But the best part of driving an E-Pace comes from its engine, a 2.0-litre diesel turbo that produces 180hp backed up by a huge 430Nm (318lb) of torque.
Hit the heady heights of 70mph (I’d never go faster than that, officer) on a motorway and the engine is turning over silently at just 1,500rpm in the top gear of an auto with a nine-speed box.
By the way if you want your Jag in Caesium Blue Metallic it’s a £615 extra.
I’d pay that to have it removed. A minefield of honeycomb holes – 244 to be precise – surrounded by a mix of silver and black – towers over normal cars to present a presence of power and anger. It’s a monster. Definitely cool. Twin chrome-tipped exhausts poke out on each side of more honeycomb and below a huge Jag badge, complete with the pouncing animal above it. Touch screen sat nav, twin zone climate control, cruise control, front and rear parking sensors with rear view camera, trip computer, heated door mirrors, washer jets and windscreen, DAB stereo with Bluetooth, SD, and twin USB points.
The fivespoke alloys. Jaguar call them “Style 1005” that are neither black, silver or grey but all colours at the same time.
NAUGHTY NIGGLES: Fuel gauge shows a garage pump with the filler hose quite correctly on the right side of the car.
So how come it’s got an arrow on the left side?
Needs to be pushed but why bother when it’s so smooth.
WONGA WONDER: Excellent value provided you can keep away from the extras list.
WOULD CHANTELLE LIKE IT?
If she was lucky enough to be able to afford one, Chantelle would put on a posh accent every time she went out in it.