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I MUST be losing my edge.

After spending a full hour trying to find a Naughty Niggle with the new VW Up GTI last week I failed.

Well, sort of. No, don’t spoil it by looking at the Image Rating section. Wait until you’ve read this work of unadulterated genius (tosh).

I started off by looking for the usual things. Luggage hooks, the glove box, rear view vision, door pillars that block your view, fuel consumption, noise, cup holders, cramped back seats. That should turn up something but it didn’t.

You’d think luggage hooks would have resulted in a successful result. I hate it when manufacturers can’t even get the simple things right.

How much thought does it take to provide them, or even position them high up, so the bags don’t collapse into a heap leaving all your shopping to roll out on to the boot floor.

Well the Up didn’t have one bag hook, it had four and they couldn’t be too high because the boot floor shelf was removable, adding another 10in to its 18in space, making it 28in deep. Fold down the back seats and it’s a flat four feet deep.

OK that’s fine, so the glove box should do it for me. It didn’t. VW had managed to get two handbooks into it and there was still room for a water bottle. How about vision. That was perfect, too. The windscreen is massive, as are the door windows in the two door version I drove. Fuel consumption? Excellent. Noise levels? Better than acceptable. Cup holders?

Value

There are two of those, neither interfering with the gear change and the one between the front seat backs is actually big enough for a bottle of wine. That’s better than perfect.

How about cramped rear seats? Ha ha, got you there. No, I haven’t. The two-door Up is a kiddie-sized car for mums and their brats. If you want a four-door that makes it easier to get in and out then you’ll find the extra cost is just £400. That’s actually very good value when you consider the whole price of the car. Yep, all is fine in the practicalities department. How about performance?

That can’t be up to much even if it’s got a GTI badge, after all its tiddly “power plant” as car makers call their engines, is so small it barely adds up to being a motor.

Far from it. That’s where the Up GTI really scores big time. With 115hp outweighed by a prodigious 200Nm (147lb) of torque this 1,070kg lightweight is catapulted from being mum’s school run shopping trolley into a classic pocket rocket. It is, as I’ve said before, like a Semtex-powered skateboard.

Put your foot down and its three cylinder engine turns from docile to deadly. Far from sounding like the lawnmowers of the past it actually growls at you. It’s a bit like trying to stroke an angry lamb.

As the Up GTI flies off into the distance it hits 55mph in second, 80mph in third and obviously I’ve no idea what comes after that because it’s already broken the law with another three gears remaining from its six-speed box.

For handling, simply read outrageous. It’s as much fun as you need but without the wallet-watering costs. Loved it.

Now you can look at the real Naughty Niggle.