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I APPLIED to join the police force last week and they asked me what I would do in the event of a terrorist attack.
I said: “I’d get the hell out of there as fast as I can.”
I got the job and was told I could go far, and could even become deputy commissioner one day.
The cops were hard at it turfing out all the scroungers from Windsor before Princess Eugenie’s wedding.
But despite police best efforts, most of the handout-loving Royal Family still managed to get into the venue.
The main news to come from the taxpayer robbed, I mean funded, event was that Duchess Meghan Markle announced she was preggers. What a way to upstage someone’s big day.
I got upstaged at my own wedding by my fiancée who announced she was ditching me for my brother.
ITV should have paid for the rights to that one. It would have at least made a cracking Jeremy Kyle special.
Anyway, Brexit is a disaster, crime is skyrocketing and winter is on the way, but cheer up everyone, there’s another royal baby due. What joy. That will keep the pensioners’ spirits up when they’re freezing to death because of the price of fuel.
With any baby news comes speculation over what the tot will be called.
Obviously Diana would be a fave if it was a girl, after Harry’s mum. And, of course, James if it was boy. After his pal James Corden.
Which James did you think I meant? ROYAL BABY NAME - (PADDY POWER) - Diana, 8/1, Arthur, Alice, 13/1, Grace
14/1, Victoria 16/1, Edward 16/1, John
70/1, Eugenie 100/1, Theresa 200/1, Boris 500/1 WRONG ONE: Hewitt BIG PAL: James Corden