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I NEVER know when I’m going to spend time with my girlfriend from one week to another. She calls the shots and refuses to plan.
If I dare to suggest a holiday, I’m told that I’m controlling and boring. She boasts that she’s a free spirit who has to be spontaneous at all times.
But the sad reality (for me) is that I’m simply not a priority. She won’t agree to a special night away in case something better crops up. I’m fully aware that I’m her back up plan, her “if all else fails” guy, and I’m just about up to my limit.
When we first started going out in 2013, we were at university so saw each other virtually every day in lectures or in the student union bar. But since graduating I’ve become less important. Any time I suggest finding a flat she looks at me as if I’m crazy. I suspect she gets a power kick out of keeping me hanging.
Over Christmas her folks went to Australia, so she was forced to spend some time with me. One night we went for a walk and I thought it might be good time to talk about us getting engaged and she laughed in my face. She accused me of trying to trap her.
All I want to do is find out where I stand and what the future holds for us. We still have sex, which is great, but I have no way of knowing if she sleeps with other guys too. At the moment she’s obsessed with a group of guys she’s working on a project with. Any time I text her (I don’t ring because she never picks up), she eventually texts back saying she’s very busy and I’m to stop bugging her.
My friends and family tell me that I’m a fool for hanging on, but what can I do when I still love her so much?
JANE SAYS: Don’t be that guy who runs around like a lap dog. You’re better than that. Sadly your long-term girlfriend has started taking you for granted. She’s lost respect and might even think that she could do better for herself.
If it’s true that she really does get a kick out of pushing you around, then you need to start standing up for yourself. It’s vital that you tell her that you’re not prepared to go on like this. In short, you won’t continue to play these games.
Okay, so she likes to live in the moment and doesn’t like to plan too far in advance, that’s fine. Take a step back and stop chasing her. Don’t be instantly available the next time she deigns to call and give her all the time and space she needs.
Let her come to you in future and be prepared to say “no” if you don’t fancy what she suggests. Sadly, if she continues to dismiss your ideas or deliberately keeps you hanging, then you’ll know exactly where you stand.
The reality is that you cannot simply stick with her because you share a past and had a great time at university. If she’s not interested in building a future or making any other plans – then start having fun on your own terms.
Could it be that you’re both too cowardly to admit that this relationship ran out of steam a long time ago? I know you say you love her, but she’s not the only woman around.