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I’M sick of being the odd man out.
Whenever my partner and I attend swinging parties I’m always the awkward idiot in the corner who doesn’t know what to do next.
I thought that group sex would be fun but I’m way out of my depth. I’m too buttoned up and shy to really let myself go; plus I’ve quickly realised that sex in a social setting isn’t for me.
Sadly, this annoys and frustrates the heck out of my partner; she hisses at me to make more of an effort and to be more imaginative, but I can’t.
Playrooms
If I’m absolutely honest, I can’t stand the group of swingers that she is so obsessed with. She thinks they’re exciting and fantastic, but the women are sad and full of themselves, and the men make my flesh crawl.
We’ve got another party coming up in May and I’m already dreading it. The organiser has booked a country house complete with playrooms and a hot tub.
As usual there will be vodka shots, eye watering sex toys and adult games. The itinerary has just dropped and everything looks amazing on the email, but I just know that I’ll feel like a fish out of water on the day.
My partner will be snogging her first conquest while I’m still unpacking my suitcase. Things have come so far since that one, fateful, night in 2016 when my partner mooted the idea of us attending her friend’s adult-themed party.
At that point I was so in awe of her and so keen to impress that I leapt in with both feet.
Admittedly, that party was fun, but I was very drunk and I still can’t remember much about it.
But she took my willing participation as a green light. She quickly signed us up with an online community of swingers and hasn’t looked back since.
Sadly, I continually feel compromised and ridiculous. How do I turn back the clock without her losing patience with me?
JANE SAYS: You cannot pretend to be something you’re not. You have to stay true to yourself if you’re to retain any element of self-respect.
Clearly you once thought you could handle swinging and orgies. You were so desperate to impress that you thought they might be a laugh, but the reality (for you) is very different. Increasingly you feel embarrassed and awkward.
You’re already dreading the next party – and that can’t be right. You and your partner need to have a frank and honest conversation. Start being truthful with her. Tell her, away from the bedroom, that you just can’t do this any more. You can’t handle the pressure and need to go back to where you were before – in a monogamous relationship.
What does she think about that? Is she prepared to have sex solely with you? If she’s not, then can you and she go any further? Does she need to find a more like-minded person and do you need to re-establish who you really are?
At the moment I can’t imagine that she’s terribly impressed with your lack of interest or attitude and you’re faking it every time. Get your sexual health checked out and start again.