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I was in hospital last week. I asked the nurse if I could do my own stitches. She said: “Suture self!”
Leo Kearse I just deleted all the German names off my phone. It’s Hans free. Darren Walsh
When I was young I was adopted by a man called Daz, so I grew up referring to him as my nonbiological father.
Seaweed is really good for you. If you’re ever in trouble, sea kelp.
Rob Thomas Last night I saw a man at the
My credit card company sent me a camouflaged bull. It’s the hidden charges you have to watch out for.
Martin Crosser
Can anyone remind me how to use WD-40? I’m a bit rusty. Stevie Vegas
Roman numerals going out of fashion? Not on my watch.
Eleanor Colville
I work in a paper factory, where my responsibilities are twofold. Colin Chadwick
My girlfriend likes to tie me to the bed and cover me in chocolate and caramel. She’s a dominatwix.
Nigel Lovell
My English teacher recently recovered from a bowel cancer operation and tried to show me a semi colon.”
Masai Graham
I bought a muzzle for my pet duck. Nothing flashy, but it fits the bill.
Chris Turner
Marvin Gaye kept a sheep in my vineyard. He’d herd it through the grapevine. Leo Kearse
The man who invented the needle-threading machine is in a coma. In a cruel twist of fate, he won’t pull through.
Julian Lee The leader of the Roman Empire asked what they call frozen rain. Hail, Caesar. Colin Leggo
Why do they have barcodes on the returning Swedish fleet? So they can scan-the-navy-in.
Julian Lee
I sent a food parcel to my first wife. Fed ex.
What happens when a French footballer breaks 100 eggs for a goal celebration? They get cent oeuf.
Adele Cliff
My grandmother is so scared of incontinence that she sits on a chapati. She’s my pish-wary nan.
My kids can’t access videos of twerking on our home PC: we’ve got anti-Cyrus.
Rob Thomas The first time I met my wife, I knew she was a keeper. She was wearing massive gloves. Alun Cochrane
My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in. Tommy Cooper