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MY girlfriend is demanding a fresh start.
She wants me to forget all the terrible things she’s done in the past three years.
She says that unless I’m prepared to be the bigger person and wipe the slate clean, then we have no future.
This is rich coming from a woman who stopped sleeping with my best friend only a month ago.
What gives her the right to lay down the law when she’s done nothing but break my heart and humiliate me?
She is a beautiful girl, but I’m struggling to understand how she feels she can make all the rules.
Struggle
If I go along with her wishes, then I’ll have to pretend that the threesome with her two bosses never occurred; that the £300 that went missing from my account never existed and the major tantrum (and smashed up hotel room) on holiday last year was a figment of my imagination.
I know that she has a selective memory, but this really is a big ask. The problem is that I struggle to forget any of her crimes, because she’s never said sorry for any of them or given me any explanations for her behaviour.
Instead she simply says that she’s changed and that I have to believe that and give her another chance to prove herself. Do I?
Any time I suggest going for relationship counselling, she storms that I’m petty and backward thinking – she says that therapy is for losers.
But the truth is that she’d still be sleeping with my ex-best mate right now if I hadn’t come home from work early and caught them at it.
How do I make her understand that I am willing to listen and negotiate but she has to show a little humility and regret if I’m to meet her in the middle?
JANE SAYS: There’s no denying that wiping the slate clean and starting again is liberating. With a fresh start you and your girlfriend can make new plans and look forward to a better future.
But you and she have to put the past to bed first. She can’t simply assume to ride roughshod over your feelings when she’s never apologised, shown any remorse or explained why she acted as she did – from sleeping with other men to stealing money.
Was she depressed? Grieving? Drinking too much or taking drugs? She may bark that counselling is for “losers” but that’s a very narrow, immature response in my opinion.
If she needs professional help, for whatever problem, then she needs to be adult enough to admit that and arrange to consult the appropriate expert. Talk about this again and offer to support her.
You need to tell her that this is a walk and not a gallop and that you won’t be hurried or bullied into anything. Maybe you will eventually find yourself able to forgive all the terrible things she did to you, but you’ll decide the timescale.
I suspect that you’re still trying to make sense of the madness that you’ve been through.
Consider your own mental health and don’t allow her to overwhelm you if she’s selfish and mean and not actually capable of making you happy.