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SHOULD I tell my girlfriend that I’m the father of her friend’s child?
Many years ago I had a daughter with a student from our local university.
The relationship didn’t last. She went back to her home town after graduating and I was posted abroad. Now I’m back in Britain and in a fantastic relationship with a woman I hope to marry.
A couple of weeks ago my girl and I were having a meal in a pub when my ex marched in looking pretty much the same.
I gagged on my food, while my girlfriend shouted out: “Hi. Come and join us!”
It turned out that they were old friends at school, who lost touch while my ex was at uni. (That’s when we were together and when we had our baby.)
Stranger
She knew me straight away – I could tell by the look in her eyes – but pretended I was a stranger.
We exchanged awkward pleasantries and then I rushed to the loo pretending that I had something in my tooth.
When I got back to the table my ex had gone and my girl accused me of being rude to her. What she doesn’t know is that my ex didn’t want me to have anything to do with our daughter, despite me trying to pay her maintenance and wanting to be involved.
She decided we were over after the birth and took herself off with no forwarding address.
Now she’s living about half a mile from us and I’m bricking it.
According to my girlfriend my ex has always kept the father of her daughter a secret. Should I seek out my ex and speak to her about our daughter and our past?
Should I ignore her or simply tell my girlfriend everything? It’s such a mess.
JANE SAYS: You’ve got to speak to your ex-partner – the mother of your child – first.
The most important person in this situation is your daughter. Her safety and happiness have to be your main priorities.
Explain that you don’t like the idea of keeping secrets from the woman you’re about to marry, but need her help and guidance.
Does she feel it’s time for her daughter to know her father? Can you now start paying maintenance and fulfilling your obligations? Can you play a more active role?
Make it clear that you have no intention of interfering or trying to take the little girl away from her.
It goes without saying that this is not an ideal situation – you had no idea that you were about to bump into each other in the pub.
But now it’s happened, where do you go from here as responsible, mature adults and parents? Admit that mistakes were made in the past, but point out that you don’t want to be her enemy. If she tells you to get stuffed, then think carefully about your next move.
If you’re to marry your current girlfriend then it’s best that there are no secrets between you.
Could it be that you tell her that you’re the father of a child that you don’t see, but keep all other details quiet?
Is she someone who could live with you not knowing the full story? Only you can judge this knowing the individuals concerned as you do.