Punbelievable
WORD HAS IT THESE ARE SOME OF THE BEST QUIPS
★ USING puns is a surefire way to win somebody’s heart, according to researchers. As we revealed yesterday, nearly half of people quizzed by dating site eharmony said witty wordplay is an attractive trait. ★ Hoping to laugh someone into bed? We have got you covered. Here, NATASHA WYNARCZYK rounds up 25 of the very best...
1 “What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo? One is really heavy and the other is a little lighter.”
2 “I bought some cocaine from Limerick, but I was annoyed that the third and fourth lines were shorter than the others.”
3 “I saw this bloke chatting-up a cheetah and I thought: ‘He’s trying to pull a fast one.’”
4“Last night, I dreamed I was swimming in an ocean of orange soda. But it was just a Fanta sea.”
5 “I lost my job at the bank on my very first day. A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.”
6 “I can’t believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off.” SO SEXY: Punning is a winner
7 “Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He’s all right now.”
8“What are the strongest days of the week? Saturday and Sunday, the rest are weekdays.”
9 “What did the grape say when it got stepped on? Nothing – but it let out a little whine.”
10 “Why is the number six afraid of seven? Because seven ate nine.”
11 “How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Caesars.”
12 “I like European food so I decided to Russia over there because I was Hungary. After Czech’ing the menu I ordered Turkey. When I was Finnished I told the waiter: ‘Spain good but there is Norway I could eat another bite.’”
13 “Why are frogs so happy? They’re always jumping for joy and never hopping mad!”
14 “I used to be indecisive; now I’m not so sure.”
15 “I saw an ad for burial plots, and I thought: ‘That’s the last thing I need!’”
16 “Which country’s capital has the fastest-growing population? Ireland. Every day it’s Dublin.”
17 “Jill broke her finger today, but on the other hand she was completely fine.” 18 England does not have a kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.”
19 “How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.”
20 “Yesterday, a clown held the door open for me. It was such a nice jester!”
21 “Becoming a vegetarian is a big missed steak.”
22 “I’m only friends with 25 letters of the alphabet. I don’t know Y.”
23 “The past, the present, and the future walk into a bar. It was tense.”
24 “I had to clean out my spice rack and found everything was too old and had to be thrown out. What a waste of thyme.”
25 “A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter. How dairy.”