He’s putting heat on to get hitched
FENDING HIM OFF IS HARD
MY boyfriend won’t stop going on about us getting married and it’s beginning to scare me.
Six months ago he got down on one knee and asked me to become his wife. He said I could choose any ring I fancied and had £20,000 saved for the wedding of my dreams.
I gently pointed out that I hardly knew him. We’d only been dating for a few weeks and I told him that I was deeply flattered but needed more time.
He was silent on the subject until my birthday in August when he proposed again. We’d been out for a meal and had just made love when he asked me.
Accused
I explained that I still wasn’t ready and he huffed about me being a “time waster”, which hurt me and ruined the whole evening as far as I was concerned.
Now he’s really turning up the heat. He wants to know what’s wrong with him? Why won’t I marry him? Am I secretly in love with someone else?
Every time I mention a male friend or colleague he demands to know if I’m sleeping with him.
In the pubs he accuses me of fancying men and I have caught him checking my phone.
The guy is crazy. I’m beginning to feel trapped. I feel that we both have so much living to do before we settle down. I want to travel and enjoy life before worrying about mortgages and children.
I’m only in my late twenties and would like to wait another three years before even thinking about settling down. But holding him off is increasingly difficult.
He has a sharp tongue. The other night he went mad and accused me of messing with his head. Why the haste?
JANE SAYS: Please cut your losses and walk away today.
Your constantly needy boyfriend strikes me as difficult and controlling. He wants your hand in marriage and he wants it now – even though you’ve explained that you want more time.
The fact that he checks your phone and accuses you of fancying (and sleeping with) other men is terrifying.
He means to own and control you. Having him on your case isn’t flattering at all. In fact, it’s sinister and worrying. Couples in respectful relationships listen to each other – and they don’t use emotional blackmail.
Unfortunately you haven’t told me anything of his back story but if he has been let down in the past or suffers from low self-esteem, then he may view you as the person to save him, but that’s not your role.
Also, if he’s like this now, what on earth is he going to be like down the line when real life, financial worries and (possibly) children kick in?
What do friends and family think of him? Have you told them what he’s really like?
Don’t feel you have to stick around just out of pride – or because you are worried about crushing his spirit or hurting his feelings. MY estranged wife doesn’t want us to get back together because she’s enjoying the single life too much.
She has our kids in the week and they’re with me at the weekends.
She’s got a new boyfriend and is acting like a teenager. I know that I initially cheated and split the family but believe she’s being selfish.
It’s only now that I realise that I’ve got the hardest job because they’re at school all week.
Having them from Friday nights to Monday mornings is half killing me. It’s a big mess and she’s not helping.
JANE SAYS: Your children have to come first. They are the most important people in this set-up.
Ask your wife for a meeting.
Explain that this current arrangement isn’t working. Hold your hands up and admit that this absolutely isn’t her fault, but it’s not the children’s either.
Can you come to a new agreement?
Can more flexibility be introduced?
This is not an ideal state of affairs or a competition, but you and she have to find a way of working together.