Joyless marriage is our sad secret
WE JUST PUT ON BIG ACT
OUR relationship is just a sham. My wife and I don’t even speak to each other in private any more.
The minute we shut the front door behind us we retreat into our own worlds.
I play my records and video games, while she shops online and chats to mates online.
I pick up a plate of food whenever I’m hungry and take it into my study or shed. She never asks me about my job and I couldn’t tell you how she’s doing.
Our friends and family think we’re the ideal couple, but we haven’t had sex for five years and sleep in separate beds.
Jokes
In public we put on an act. I laugh at her jokes and she links my arm and calls me “darling”.
We attend parties and celebrations with the biggest smiles on our faces. But it’s a soulless, joyless existence.
A few times now I have tried to explain how unhappy I am, but she doesn’t like hearing anything bad. She tells me to pull myself together and stop being so “dramatic”. But if this is my life, then it’s as depressing as hell.
I hate giving this false impression to my parents and siblings, who have no idea how lonely and desperate I am. Nothing changes even when we visit my brother’s villa in Spain each August. Everything is all about presenting the right look with her.
We automatically upgrade our cars every two years and our home is immaculate. We’re a couple of phonies and fakes.
I’m not living, I’m existing.
JANE SAYS: I fear for your mental health. You sound like a man on the edge.
For too many years you’ve presented a false face to the outside world.
You’ve led your friends and family to believe that your marriage is loving and warm, yet nothing could be further from the truth.
For whatever reason, you and your wife have lost your way. You’re not connecting on any level. You scoot off into different rooms once you return home and live life like ships that pass in the night.
Do not allow her to brush you off or disrespect you again. You have to start being open and honest about your wants and feelings.
I can’t believe she’s any happier than you are. Open the debate by explaining that you can’t go on like this. What has gone wrong? Can this relationship be repaired? Would counselling help?
Explain that simply staying together out of habit can’t be an option because you need to live and to feel love.
For all you know, your friends and family may have already noticed the weird way your relationship operates.
Confide in relatives you love and trust, and get their opinions.
Sadly, if you and your wife can’t find a way forward, then at least you’ll have a loyal team of supportive folk around you.
MY husband has banned my mum from our house this Christmas.
He says he’s sick of her making the whole day about her.
From picking her up and making special (vegan) food, to listening to her moaning about her health, he says she ruins the festivities for the children.
When I point out that this might be her last one, he says I’ve been saying that for about five years, which is true.
This puts me in such an awkward situation when she’s already started putting in her orders. What can I do?
JANE SAYS: Can you talk to your mother in advance and ask her to tone it down?
Can you make the point that everyone deserves to have a nice time?
If she literally has nowhere else to go, can you ask your partner to allow her a place at the table if only for your sake?
Promise to “mind” her. It’s only for one day and you and the children can do anything you like before and after.
I understand your dilemma, but your mother is the only one you’ll ever have and you won’t enjoy yourself if she’s on her own.