Ban at Xmas over my married lover
SISTER’S ANGRY WITH ME
MY sister has banned me from her house at Christmas because I’m sleeping with her married friend.
I’m a single guy and it’s my business who I share a bed with.
The truth is my lover hasn’t had sex with her husband for five years. He’s indifferent to her needs and ignores her.
They only speak to sort out bills and issues within the house.
They cook their own meals and holiday apart. She says if it wasn’t for me she would have had a nervous breakdown.
She and I came together by chance. I was in a bar waiting for an internet date to turn up.
Wretched
She didn’t but I did spot my lover on her own, nursing a brandy. She had just endured a hideous interview with a prospective employer, which left her feeling wretched. I offered her a drink and we ended back at my place talking into the night.
We didn’t sleep together for two months because I was determined to take things slowly but now we’re together every day.
I have never been happier but my high-minded sister has set herself up as judge and jury. She doesn’t “approve” of affairs, even though her own husband is a foul-mouthed bully who has served time in prison for theft.
I was supposed to be having Christmas dinner with them but she found out about my relationship and told me not to bother.
I tried to explain but she kept saying I was a home wrecker and a wicked sinner. How dare she?
JANE SAYS: I suggest you leave your sister to simmer over her Brussels sprouts. It sounds as if she’s an unhappy woman with more than enough on her own plate.
If she’s decided on a certain version of events without actually hearing your side of the story, then this is not the time to row with her.
Make plans to see friends or other relatives – or help out in a shelter if you find yourself alone – and think about talking to her again in the New Year when everything has calmed down.
You don’t need your sister’s approval to sleep with anyone but it’s obvious you care about her opinion because you hate bad blood.
In the meantime, I would ask you to ponder the following questions: What are your lover’s thoughts on the future? Does she see herself leaving her husband and starting again with you? Or has she ruled out divorce on religious or moral grounds?
Ultimately, I urge you to protect yourself. Don’t get used and don’t let your lover alienate you from your family if she just sees you as an addition to her marriage.
There’s no doubt that this is a sensitive matter. Your lover may not be committed to her husband but how might he feel if he discovers you’re sleeping with her?
Tread carefully and watch your back because you’re playing a dangerous game.
MY partner ran a number of foreign strip clubs before we met. I’ve always known that he had a lot of sex with a lot of different people.
I thought I could handle his past but find myself disgusted by the man he used to be. He’s now respectable and running his own car business.
We hold dinners and go to quizzes in the local pub and no-one knows his secret.
If anything my resentment is getting worse. Every time he supports another local charity I find myself thinking: “What a sleazy hypocrite. I could destroy you.”
How do I get past this?
JANE SAYS: Your man can’t change his past. He’s definitely turned things around.
Surely he’s entitled to a fresh start?
He’s not perfect, but who is?
At least if he’s contributing to charity, then he’s giving something back. Surely life is too precious to torture yourself?
Would talking to him help? Sadly, if you can’t get past this, you need to think about moving on, because you have to be able to respect the person you’re with.