My grieving fella has gone off sex
SHAKEN BY LOSS OF WIFE
MY boyfriend has suddenly gone off sex and I don’t know why.
For the first six months of our live-in relationship he was warm and affectionate.
He thanked me for “saving his life”. He said he was sick of living a lie and that being with me felt right – like coming home.
I knew he was married (to a woman) when we first met. We both worked for the same firm between 2011 and 2015.
We always got on well, but I had no idea he fancied me. I suspected he might be bisexual or even gay, but respected the fact he was with his wife and simply got on with my job.
Everything changed in 2017 when I heard that his wife had died of breast cancer. She had suffered terribly for a long time.
I reached out to him and we met for a drink. Again, nothing happened between us, but he thanked me for remembering him and for being caring.
Many months later, out of the blue he suggested a proper date. We went for sushi and I saw him relax for the first time. His shoulders dropped and we laughed.
Eventually we got a place together and friends and family welcomed us as a couple. His siblings were particularly kind to me because they were relieved to see him happy. Now it’s like he’s in a world of his own.
He’s distant and moody and has taken to sleeping in another room and just seems to drift around in a dream.
He swears that I’m not the problem and apologises for making me sad, but says he can’t shake off the feelings of melancholy and sex is absolutely the last thing on his mind, which hurts me because I now miss his touch so much.
JANE SAYS: I get the impression that the past years have been very challenging for your partner. For a long time, he was married to a woman he cared about but felt he was lying to.
Her death must have been awful for everyone to deal with – throwing up emotions such as guilt and anger.
Hooking up with you again was a life-changer – he came out to his family and friends and started being honest about his sexuality.
But now he has hit a wall emotionally. So much has happened in a short space of time and now he’s struggling to understand his place in the world. It’s possible that he didn’t properly grieve after his wife’s death or feels bad for not coming out sooner or wasting her time in a sham marriage.
If nothing else they were friends, and watching her suffer must have been awful. He has to hear that you understand and care.
He is not alone, no–one is perfect, and it’s OK to feel conflicted and lost. What’s so important is to get help. He needs to know that, in you, he has someone he can rely on and trust.
There is no rush because you’re not going anywhere, but get him to his GP soon.
MY neighbour complains about how we park and put our rubbish out.
When we were building our extension she wrote to the council a dozen times.
Yet she still expects to be my friend. If we have a party, she turns up and helps herself to food and drink.
During my son’s 21st bash she danced until midnight and then rang the police about the noise once she got home. I’m terrified of falling out with her because she seems to wield so much power.
JANE SAYS: Don’t allow yourselves to be harassed by this busybody. As long as you’re not breaking the law, then you’re entitled to live your lives without being told off at every turn.
I suspect the council and police know her of old and find her tiresome.
Could you simply ask her why she makes such a fuss? If she accuses you of being inconsiderate then listen.
But point out that you refuse to tiptoe around her. This is the 21st century and you don’t live in a monastery. You may have to speak to a solicitor if you feel you’re being bullied.