An insult to ian people!
both replied: “Obviously.” They end up having to help me fillet the fish and my disastrous attempt earns myself the nickname ‘Hannibal’ from both of them.
I’m off to a great start.
But inspiration strikes when I see a nest of spaghetti… surely pasta will be easy? I grab a bottle of white wine. Not because the stress of the challenge has driven me to drink, but because I decide to go for a sophisticated cream and white wine sauce. I fry the spinach, fish and mushrooms, make the sauce, then mix it all together well within the time limit.
Adding some salt and pepper, and finishing it with some chilli flakes and a cherry tomato garnish, I give it a taste and it’s actually quite nice – and our Daily Star photographer Humphrey agreed after tucking in.
This boosts my confidence and I spend a few seconds wondering if I could apply for the show myself one day after all.
But this faith in my abilities doesn’t last long. By the time I’m called over to present my dish to
Gregg and John, it has turned into a lumpy, congealed mess.
I brace myself for an onslaught of negative criticism.
“Why is there cream in it?” says Gregg in a pained tone. “When have you ever seen anybody successfully put cream in pasta? People think there’s cream in carbonara, but there isn’t. It’s just an egg.”
His critique carries on after he tries it. “This use of cream on fish and pasta… I’m really sorry, but it’s the texture. It feels like it’s coating my mouth.
“My wife is Italian and she would never put cream in pasta.” In fact, the only positive thing they have to say about it is that it was “well-seasoned, which was great”.
As we pack up, one of my fellow contestants asks how we compared to the amateur cooks who usually take part in the show.
Worst
Gregg’s
“Extremely deadpan.
Earlier, I’d asked Gregg what the worst ever meal he’d ever tried as a MasterChef judge was, and he said it was always something such as chicken that hadn’t been cooked verdict is poorly,”
damning: he says, through. But I have a sneaking suspicion that if I asked him again now, it would be my pasta.
As I leave the kitchen, I send a picture of my dish to one of my WhatsApp groups. My pals rally round, telling me they think it looks nice and begging me to have them all round for dinner so they can try my culinary fail for themselves.
But I think I’ll leave the cooking to the professionals and call my nearest takeaway next time I host a dinner party.
● MasterChef returns on February 24, 26 and 28 at 9pm on BBC One.