BARKING UP RIGHT TREE
We’ve gone to the dogs
MY girlfriend has been freaking out about coronavirus.
She made me promise I’d put the mask on before I left the house. I don’t know why, it made me hours late for work and I don’t even like Jim Carrey.
We’ve been trying social distancing. It has been easy as she’s been distancing herself from me for years.
The Queen has left Buckingham Palace to stay at Windsor Castle due to the situation.
This selfless act has prompted me to move to one of my mansions in the country. God bless you, Ma’am.
We’ve now got the prospect of being stuck indoors watching daytime telly for weeks on end.
Though I don’t think much of this new gameshow on the BBC at 5pm.
Coronavirus Update is a rubbish name and the host Boris is not funny and gets all the answers wrong.
It’s been a crazy year. In 2019 you’d tell kids to work hard at school or you’ll end up packing shelves for a living. And now it seems that packing shelves is most secure job in the country.
But the shelves are bare. All of my meals now consist of Ann Summers penis-shaped pasta. And the stock market has gone crazy – I ended up paying £15 for some Oxo cubes.
In isolation I’ve written a song called Corona. It’s very catchy. Though I won’t be singing it at any music festivals as they’re being cancelled.
I’m setting up my own Covid-19 festival featuring, Wuhan Clan, Miley Virus, Billie Ill(ish), Panic at the Tesco and the Flu Fighters.
I can’t yet get hold of The Cure. There’s no sporting events for the foreseeable so there’s not much to bet on. So what do you do when the world goes to the dogs? Go to the dogs of course! And I reckon you’d be barking not to bet on SWIFT LETTUCE in the Ladbrokes Puppy Derby at Monmore today: Coral – 9/2