Bojo’s new cover version
AS I once had lunch with Boris Johnson and the man had forgotten to do up his flies BUT remembered to ruffle his hair up, nothing, I repeat, nothing surprises me about our PM any more.
Thankfully, button mushrooms weren’t on the menu that day (and my eyesight isn’t what it once was) though it was tricky to keep a straight face when dessert turned out to involve plums.
Any case the whole mask mess is pretty much classic Bozza. A masterclass in closing stable doors after the horse has not only bolted, it’s had foals and all of them are now being ridden by horsemen muttering darkly about the apocalypse.
To be fair, the science on whether wearing a face mask protects against coronavirus has been all over the place from day one. But it does seem a bit bonkers that after four months of pandemic we’re now being forced into wearing the damn things in shops or risk being fined £100. Especially as the infection and death rates appear to be falling.
But, hey ho, if we have to we have to. And if us girlies can wear underwired bras from the age of 12 then everyone can wear a bit of paper over their mush for a trip to the shops.
Depressing, though, how much hatred and division this has caused. After statues, tea bags, old telly shows and JK Rowling we are now shouting at masks.
And spare a thought for the poor souls medically exempt from covering up. They’re going to be glared and hissed at by the Stay Home Stasi snitches all day long.
It’s like Brexit all over again. In versus out. On versus off. When the historians come to write this stuff up, I sincerely hope they’ve got a stiff drink to hand.
What is worrying, though, is the amount of people now saying they will avoid shopping – just as we need to kick start our economy and save jobs.
Plus, given that the police have trouble keeping proper crime under control, how on earth is anyone going to enforce this? Masks have been mandatory on public transport for a month now but there are still so many people who don’t bother – with no consequences at all.
And who can blame a lone bus driver for not wanting to tell a bunch of teens to mask up?
Likewise shop workers are there to sell things, not start a potentially violent row about face coverings.
Finally, if it’s really so important to wear face masks, why the hell isn’t the new rule being bought in tomorrow? Why wait until next Friday?
So many questions and no real answers. Well, not that you can understand in any case as trying to hold a conversation with someone wearing a mask is impossible if you have even slightly dodgy hearing. Which means you end up leaning in closer to hear and bang goes the medically proven social distancing.
No-one in their right mind enjoys wearing itchy, irritating masks and the fear is that once we start there will be no end to it. In Spain, wearing one is compulsory the moment you step out your front door. Even if you are sitting on an empty beach in 30C of heat. Hardly the way to restart your tourist industry.
Hopefully, it won’t come to that here and the mask thing is only temporary.
However, the irony of a man who once wrote a newspaper column moaning about Muslim women covering their faces now forcing all of us to do the same is worth a wry smile.
Even if no-one will see it.
★ SO a bloke can now go and get his beard trimmed and neck tattooed but a woman can’t get her eyebrows tidied up.
★ Is there any joined-up thinking going on anywhere? It’s a plucking mess.