SHE SAID I DISSED HER KIDS
I’VE had a terrible row with my daughter-in-law.
During a blistering, spite-filled rant she called me mean, bitter and divisive.
She said I have never liked or accepted her or her various children (just not true) and I’ve never considered her good enough for my son (again, rubbish).
Now my son is creeping around refusing to take sides and I feel abandoned and insulted.
Treats
My crime? Failing to spend exactly the same amount of money on all of her children.
Let me explain. She has four children by four men. The youngest is with my son and he is my only (true) grandchild. So, if I give my grandson £5 for sweets then she expects me to hand over an additional £15 – even if the others are not actually with her.
Otherwise, in her inimitable words: “It’s not fair.”
A couple of days ago my son brought my grandson over and I gave him a toy car and £10 for treats. She cocked her head and said: “Aren’t you forgetting something”. Then she reminded me that two of her sons had celebrated their birthdays during lockdown, so were due extra funds.
The problem is that I hardly know these other kids. They spend a lot of time with their birth fathers and other grandparents. I have tried talking to my son, but all he mutters is: “Why do you have to rock the boat?”
But I don’t deliberately set out to cause offence. Besides, my son has a very short memory. He’s had a lot of money out of me over the years and wouldn’t have been able to buy his first flat without my help. All I’ve ever tried to do is be generous and fair and this is how I’m treated.
Am I missing something here?
JANE SAYS: Don’t make the mistake of forcing your son to pick a side. He is married to his wife and she is now his priority and his future.
No-one ever said that life was fair, but if you want to carry on seeing your grandson, then I’m afraid you must dance to their tune.
If the mother wants all of her children treated equally then you have no choice but to respect her wishes.
After all, she’s the mother and she’s the one who makes the decisions. It could be that she’s determined to stamp out any favouritism.
It would be interesting to discover if she applies the same rules with all of the other grandparents, don’t demand answers.
I would take the time to talk to your daughter-in-law about your relationship.
Explain to her that you value her as a daughter and respect her as a mother. It’s not true that you don’t like her.
Could you spend some more time with the other children so that you all get to know each other better?
Ultimately, if you don’t want to give cash to all, then don’t give any at all. Or hand over a set amount for the whole family on Christmas Day and be done with it.