Gay brother lives a lie with parents HE WILL NOT BE HONEST
I DON’T understand why my eldest brother doesn’t come out.
He is openly gay with all of his friends and me. He has a longterm partner to whom he is lovingly committed.
Yet our parents have no idea that he lives a totally different life from the one they presume.
In fact, my mother is still going on about him finding a nice girl to settle down with despite him not bringing a girl home for 20 years. Back in 1990 he dated a friend of mine for a while.
They had a fun friendship but were never suited ( for obvious reasons). Our mother thought she was marvellous and still says things like: “Whatever happened to that lovely young lady?”
Cruel
We all groan but she obviously has no idea that her own son is never going to take a bride in a million years.
Our father is just as bad. To meet him you’d think he was a sophisticated man of the world, but even he makes baffling comments about my brother’s situation. Maybe they live in their own little bubble, but surely they deserve the truth?
Twice now I’ve dared to raise this issue and both times my brother has shot me down in
flames. He’s normally very mildmannered, but the subject of his sexuality is completely off limits, which I find very sad.
I feel particularly sorry for his partner, whose parents have welcomed my brother into their fold.
My parents still refer to this loyal chap as his flatmate. They might be a bit old- fashioned but they’re not prejudiced or cruel.
I can’t believe that they would be anything other than welcoming and kind.
JANE SAYS: I fear that if you raise this matter for a third time, you and your brother may fall out for good. He
knows how you feel, but, for whatever reason, has chosen to keep the truth about his sexuality to himself.
Accept that this is his business and not yours. The fact is that you have your relationship with your parents and he has his.
You have no way of knowing how they treated him growing up or what they might have said to him regarding their expectations.
For all you know he could be under pressure to please them in a way you’re simply not. You claim they’re not small- minded or old fashioned,
but it’s possible they still demand that an eldest son behaves in a certain way.
Count yourself lucky you’re able to live your life your way and you’re not in his shoes.
It’s very sad that his partner feels sidelined when his own family are so open, but that’s something for them to work out for themselves. It’s really not your worry.
I get it that you want everything out in the open, but family dynamics are complicated. Back off. Leave your brother in no doubt that you love and support him and respect his decisions.