Mum won’t admit he made life hell
DAD WAS A BULLY & A LIAR
MY late dad was a monster. Not only did he treat us badly but he had a second family in the next street.
While my brother and I existed on cheap food and hand- medowns, my half- sisters around the corner were treated like princesses. I’d see them going to school in the latest styles with the best toys.
My mother knew what was going on but turned a blind eye. She never mentioned her love rival or acknowledged that our dad was a lying, cheating toad.
Any time he went missing ( i. e. to theirs) she’d tell us that he was working in Scotland. The bloke was a milkman!
I’d see him in the street and he’d pretend not to know me.
Debts
For a while, in 2012, he was in and out of hospital. Visiting him was hell. The two families went in and out in relays and we all had to pretend we didn’t know what was going on. Once, my brother made a comment and nearly had his head ripped off.
When dad died in 2017 my mum discovered he had left her no money, only debts. She paid every penny in full but now we’re not allowed to say a bad word against him.
Despite the fact he treated her
like trash, with financial bullying and regular beatings, she has decided he was some kind of demi- god. I can’t reconcile myself to this.
My mother isn’t a stupid woman but why should I sit back and allow her to rewrite history?
I know you shouldn’t speak ill of the dead but what did he ever do to deserve honour and respect? I can see my mum and me falling out over this.
JANE SAYS: Yours is a sad and complicated story.
Clearly you could see your father for what he was which was a cruel and selfish individual.
You were aware he had a second family and that you, your mum and brother were, in effect, second- class citizens.
Even in death he managed to humiliate and inconvenience her. But now that his debts have been settled she has to be encouraged to look to the future and appreciate the family members who are still alive and actually care for her. She may be widowed but she is not alone.
She took her marriage vows very seriously and can’t bear to admit that she wasted the best years of her life
on a man who didn’t deserve her love and loyalty. But it would be a dreadful shame if you fell out over him.
You have to agree to disagree. Sit down together and tell her that you won’t criticise him again if she doesn’t sugar coat the reality.
Remind her that you were there and saw and heard everything. If you actually feel she’d benefit from counselling, then encourage her to speak to her GP.
Your mother needs to hear that you love and support her but refuse to play mind games.